I (27f) have been with my husband (36m) for 8 years and it's been a roller coaster ride. The person he made me believe he was in the beginning is not actually who is: secure, financially responsible, family oriented, strong willed and more. He has a lot of complaints about me and how I've lied about who I was, but I was just a kid when he met me. Being the age I am now, I realized that the age difference was such a disadvantage for me, along with he was my first sexual relationship and it was hard to break up whenever we fought. A year later, I end up being pregnant and I had her at 21. It's only gotten more chaotic since then.
One thing I've discovered about him once we got married was how bad his anger issues were when he was triggered/had an episode (he has ptsd, mdd, a lot of childhood trauma, suicidal at times). I've been kicked out of our 'home' 5 times, belittled, had horrible things said to me, and even my daughter was a victim to those harsh words in the past. The past year or so I've been the bread winner because his mental health was so bad from his past trauma and bad work environment but it's taken such a toll on me. I've grown to resent him and was never able to say how I felt because 1) all the men in my life were explosive so I never felt safe saying how I felt and 2) when I realized he was the same AND judgement, I just kept my lips shut. And, apparently he's never treated his exs the way he's treated me, and they all cheated on him AND he kept them around. But me, the mother of his child, the one supporting his weed addiction, gas, putting food on the table, listening to all his problems and dreams, he fucking treats me like dirt. Yeah I have an attitude and tone problem but can you blame me when I'm dealing with an adult child? (And really, what women doesn't have an attitude problem).
A week ago, we had the stupidest fight of man kind. He ended up blowing up on me about a miscommunication, he was screaming to the point that spit was hanging on his lips, his eyes were pitch black, so much strain on his face. I shut down and didn't say much and when I did, I was yelled at for interrupting him. I've never had an issue with anyone saying I interrupt them but that's one thing he accuses me of but in reality, he just wants to talk and scream everything he feels. I realized how pathetic I am, he is, the relationship was in its entirety and left. I was so hurt that I bombed him with all my feelings and told him he wasn't a good husband or father. I went to my mom's house with my daughter hoping to just cool off for a couple days. When I was ready to go back, I was ignored and told that he wasn't going to read or respond to my lengthy message because he has to hear it from me, not read it. He didn't even want anything to do with our daughter because 'looking at her would remind me of my failures' and all this self pity spiraling. She was so sick during that time with vomiting, fever, and more and he didn't want to know anything bc he wasn't going to visit or help financially bc he had no money.
We managed to make an appointment with his therapist (no issues with that, he's a very real guy and not biased from the few times I've met him). That appointment is tomorrow and I feel sick from just thinking about it.
The thought of hearing his voice again, along with hearing him possibly profess his love for me and his desire to have our family back just makes me want to pull my hair out. I'm not afraid of him, but I'm just very hurt. The thought of going back 'home' and going back to (probably) the same routine, gross cats (got them to make him happy and I ended up being very allergic and not being able to breathe properly), and just seeing him makes me uneasy. I'd love to have my family back but I think it's just the idea of family since mine was fractured. It's almost the same dynamic of a doormat/superhero mom and a (step)dad who you could never guess how he was going to act. I love family and romance, but I don't know if it's even possible. When I was telling him I was ready to go back home I had stated giving us a good 6 months and us putting our all in it but the thought of that is exhausting now. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't know if I'll ever get past the hurt. How can I smile and ptetend that I forgive eveything when I dont think I can? I wonder how people get back together after cheating, or other monumental fuck ups. Am I not normal for being hesitant about giving him another (probably 6th) chance when people give out chances for (possibly) far worse?
I just wish all the hateful words and actions could be taken back. Divorce seems so messy and I know divorces are messy, but God, I know he wouldn't give me a peaceful divorce and with how cold he was towards our daughter the past week, I don't know if he'd step up to the degree he needs to step up. I'm just so 50/50 that I want to bash my head until it makes up its mind.
Tdlr: looking over the past 8 yrs of my relationship with my husband, I realized that maybe there was too much damage done. We have a therapy appointment tomorrow to discuss how to proceed, but I'm exhausted by the thought.
Submitted December 07, 2022 at 06:40PM by calisnoi https://ift.tt/cuN74AH
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