I am currently 29 but I feel like I’ve lived 50 years in the past 10. I got married at 21 and had two kids by the time I was 25. The marriage did not work out and I ended up divorcing him only a year after I gave birth to my second son. It was a lot to deal with but thankfully now we split custody and are on okay terms. A couple months after I separated my ex husband, I entered into a relationship like immediately. I didn’t have time to even think it was almost like one ended and the other started. The good thing was that he was amazing with my boys, but thing was that we clashed a lot. I have a very dominant personality but so did he. He didn’t like when I wouldn’t do things he wanted me to do and I didn’t feel comfortable. He was very narcissistic, impulsive and pressured me to do things very quickly even when I wasn’t ready. Surprise! it ended up not working out and this week it’s going to be one year since our breakup.
He found someone a month after we broke up and already married her. I don’t care about it, that’s the reason why we broke up because he’s insane and impulsive and makes horrible life decisions, but it did get me thinking about my life as it stands today. In the past year I’ve dated one person and it only lasted a month.
This is the first time in my adult life that I’ve been single…and I actually kind of love it. I feel insane saying this but I really like living alone. My thing is that I feel like maybe I’m being too choosy about who to date now and not giving myself an opportunity to be happy with someone else. I just haven’t met anyone that I’ve felt I would like to pursue.
Now that the mourning of my past two loves has ended, I am okay. I am fortunate enough to make a good salary that allows me to live on my own, comfortably. I feel free, On the days I don’t have my kids, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m finishing my college degree, I work out all the time, I spend time with friends and family freely, and I don’t have the pressure to be pleasing someone at all times. I have no desire to change how things are at the moment.
While I feel good I still am scared inside. I don’t want to miss out on sharing a life with someone but, I feel like if I haven’t found someone by now (a year after my breakup) I don’t think I will any time soon and honestly, I’m okay with that. I am a little picky when it comes to dating…or just scarred from these horrible past relationships. Maybe it’s my misconstrued ideals from when I was younger, which were that I needed to be married to be happy. Am I crazy? Will I be alone forever if I keep thinking like this? Do other people feel like this too?
TL;dr - I am afraid that I like being alone too much and will stay single for the rest of my life and miss out on being in love
Submitted September 11, 2022 at 10:23PM by hufuuubk https://ift.tt/g4t70md
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