UPDATE:
In the morning I had a talk with him again, and he started by saying that I was nasty to call him "every name in the book" while in reality I only used a "monster" as an insult, not even as an insult but I couldn't find a better description then that to what I think about his action. Then he said he should be at least equally offended because I couldn't have a mature conversation about it and started to name calling. That I just wanted to accuse him of being a bad person and I didn't listen to his part of the story.
It's strange but some details from the previous conversation were changed by him - for example I left the bedroom to sleep on a couch and he told me to lock him in the bedroom so I feel safer while sleeping - so I did. But now when he was retelling it, he accused me of locking him in the bedroom as a form of abuse that I done to him. He also claims to not remember the worst things he said, he only remember things that sounded okeyish and somewhat acceptable. But at the same time he claims that I said things I'm pretty sure I didn't. He was also mad that I brought his actions up only now, instead saying I don't like it right away when it happend.
On the other had he agreed with me when I made a point that he should check with me first whether I feel okay to joke from my experience and only after make jokes about it. He agreed that he didn't do it and apologised.
ORGINAL STORY:
Me [29F] and my new partner [27M] are meeting for about 4 months. It's more of a casual relationship, he specifically stated that we are not dating and he doesn't want to put labels on it, but we spend a lot of time together playing games, meeting with his friends etc so it's something more than just a hook up. Let's call him Mike.
Recently my "friend" Nathaniel got drunk during a party and started to touch me very sexually without my consent. I tried to stop him and it was clear that I don't want it. I shared it over the phone with Mike and he offered me emotional support and some advices which was really nice and it made me feel better about the situation. But...
A week later when I and Mike met in person he asked me how did Nathaniel touch me, so I showed him - I thought that maybe he wanted to have additional context about the situation. Some time later that evening he suddenly touched me mimicking what I just showed him and said "Look, I'm Nathaniel". It was done like it's a joke, like he is messing with me. And honestly I was shocked, but because I was so excited to see him after the while I couldn't really process this situation. So I shrugged it of and gave him a benefit of the doubt that it was some brain fart and he is too ashamed to bring that again to apologize. I also decided to confront him later about this, when emotions are gone.
A week later when I was visiting him, he did something concerning once again. He made a hand movement as if he was slapping my face. It was not really aggressive or threating tbh, but I didn't like it. So I immediately told him that I don't like it. And his response was something along the lines "but i found it funny, it's note a big deal, I will definitely do it again". So I decided to bring up him mocking me being inappropriately touched by Nathaniel last week, and I asked why did he do that and what does it all mean.
We had a longer conversation but those are the points he made: - he is not sorry and he would do it again if we were in the same situation - that he understood that he is triggering me/making me to relive my trauma - so he was not oblivious about the weight of this situation to assault target like myself - he said that making fun of traumatic events like selfharm or assault is okey and it's actually a great subject for the joke - when I said that it wasn't fun for me he agreed but said that it was entertaining for him and he wanted to see my reaction to his joke. So basically he was okey with making very one sided joke and observe me crying/shouting/laughing to fullfil his curiosity or as a source of entertainment. Even if that would hurt me badly mentally it was worth it according to him - after that I told him that it's really cruel and he is a monster, but he thinks that I'm oversensitive and that he had tough upbringing so he value when people can take a joke and don't show weakness
So, I want to get some feedback whether I truly overrated. I don't feel I'm oversensitive, i just don't think it's funny to joke about traumatic events, especially a week after they happened. I get how you can be "mean" to your best friend and joke about their tragic new haircut. But joking about your partner being assaulted? Or your friend having a miscarriage or a car accident? That is crossing a line quite deeply. Especially that he never "checked" with me that I'm over it and I'm now okey with jokes about it. And what he did in my opinion was even worse, because he made me physically relive my trauma. I stated this opinion to him and he said he understands my point of view but disagree. What do you think?
As the end note I will add that he did this only once, he never joked like this again. And that he later said sorry but I'm not sure what that was about because he is standing his ground that this action was okey to do.
Tl;dr My partner touching me the way my offender did as a joke, and after I confronted him, he claims that I'm over sensitive and it was an appropriate "edgy" joke.
Submitted July 16, 2022 at 07:33PM by Throwaway170072022 https://ift.tt/de9RJQm
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