I met my would-be fiancé at a Christmas Party in December 2019. Prior to dating her, I was referred to in my social circle as a ‘serial dater’, usually only dating in and around the three-month mark before moving on.
We quickly became a couple and were seeing each-other daily. Around March we, like everyone else, started hearing about CORONAVIURS. As pharmaceutical sales rep, her job got very busy. As a peripheral essential service business, my company was extremely busy. Soon we weren’t seeing each other as much but still communicating daily. Things continued at the same, slightly regressed pace for the next year.
In August 2021 we went to Hawaii for three weeks and this was my first insight to what it might be like living with someone 24/7. I liked it. I developed stronger feelings for her and as she did me. I told her that I loved her.
A red flag popped up in November when she told me that she lost her job. She said it was a covid related slowdown in her position and it would most likely be temporary. It was hard to reconcile as the medical profession showed no signs of slowing down, but in the interest of not sabotaging the relationship, I let it go.
After about a month she started suggesting that maybe we should move in together. This made me a little apprehensive. Although I loved her and never really felt that way about anybody before, having someone under foot in my space made me a little uneasy. She was understanding of my reluctance but said this is what adults do and I would get used to it. I delayed her until March of this year, when my non-commitment produced the; ”where are and where is this relationship going talk”.
I thought about it and agreed that because I did love her and wanted her around that I needed to get over my cohabitation fears and asked her to move in. I thought we would have a small hiccup when I asked for a cohabitation agreement but that was no issue for her.
We went back to Hawaii in April (Business for me) and I proposed. She rented her condo out and moved in with me in May. It was awesome. Better than I could have anticipated. She still wasn’t working yet but assured me she was looking but with her cash reserves and income generated from the condo rental would be enough to sustain her. Except that was a lie. The condo is not hers (it is her parents) and her cash reserves weren’t that great. This discovery led to a very tense week, but she promised to step up her job search, and get back on track. She did put a lot of effort into her resume and seeking advice on a possible shift in her career from colleagues etc. Part of this effort was to meet up with these people at the Café around the corner from my building.
Then near the end of June she starts making comments about how good our relationship is and how great the communication is and how our love could never really be lost or tested because it is so deep. I just assumed that this was normal girl in relationship talk. Then this past Friday ( I came home to a planned date night. She made sushi, watched a movie and had sex on the couch. Then she asked if we could have an open relationship. Just like that. Completely out of the blue. No lead up. No fantasy discussions just straight to I want to fuck other guys.
I was stammered and said “you just moved in three months ago” She said, “you’re talking about months and I am talking about a life-time with you and this is one small thing that wont affect that, if we don’t let it”
I asked her to explain what this looks in minutia detail. And we had the following conversation, paraphrasing. She said “you date other people, I date other people but we live together and marry each other, no feelings, just sex and only before we get married” Not really minutia detail. Do you have someone you have met that you want to have sex with? Yes. Have you had sex with him yet or done anything that could be misconstrued as overtly sexual with him yet? No. Where would you intend on having sex with him? Here or a hotel. Can you afford a hotel and why cant you have sex at his place? His place is a dump in a not very good part of town and his roommates are kind of slobs. What the fuck? I thought you just said that you hadn’t done anything that could not be misconstrued as sexual? How could you know what is place is like and that he had roommates and the place was a dump, if you weren’t over there? And what reason would you have to be going to his house other than to fuck?
She was caught here and she knew it. The look on her face was like reading a book. She was saying sorry, kind of brushing it off and saying, but nothing happened, and it made her realize that she had to go about it the ‘right’ way.
I asked who this CEO that lives with 3 other dudes in a shitty place and she says it’s the barista (male) from the coffee shop she goes to. The guy looks like a typical coffee making, man-bun wearing douchebag.
I tell her that I need to think about before responding.
The next morning she asks what my decision is and I tell her that I agree with the open relationship. She is all smiles and happy and gives me a hug and kiss. I interject…with some non-negotiable provisos, 1. Not in my place. 2. Hotels will be procured with his money or yours not mine. 3. We go back to dating – the engagement is on hold until this is over, which means you move out that way I am not waiting at home while you’re out with Mr. Barista. 4. I would prefer to know when you are being intimate with other people so we can adjust our schedule accordingly.
Her happy look faded and she gave a sigh said never mind. She started texting (I assume him) and was cold towards me for the rest of the day. I asked when will she be seeing Mr. Barista, she said that she is calling the whole thing off. I reminded her that these were non-negotiable provisos. Later that day I told her I didn’t deserve her attitude and that I had a lined up a date that night so she had better start figuring her situation out. She tried blocking the door and begged me to talk, but I reminded her she ignored and treated me badly all day and I needed some respite. I didn’t have a date, I wanted some respite from all the drama and saw a movie by myself.
She started blowing up my phone with apologies and claims that it went too far but nothing physical happened, when will you be home? Who are you with? Can we talk about this?, can we pretend that it didn’t happen? I didn’t answer. That night at home was a little tense as she kept repeating these statements and asking if we could just forget about it and move on but the damage was already done. Sunday was worse and I felt really uncomfortable in my own home.
Monday I had my lawyer draft up an eviction notice and I gave it to her when I got home. She said you’re really going through with this? I said you cannot be mad at me, you wanted the open relationship and I am giving you what you wanted.
Now I have all my and her friends telling me I am a giant asshole for kicking her out when she has nowhere to go, no job and no money. It was just talk. Nothing happened. It was just a question. But for me the very real possibility exists that if Mr. Barista had a nice place and no roommates then she probably would have had sex or done something sexual with him.
Anyway I don’t think I am being an asshole like everyone is saying I am. When I said that we could still date, and I would be open to trying a real committed relationship after this is over I meant most of it.
So what is your opinion, Am I an asshole for agreeing to the open relationship, only on my terms not hers? Should I have handled this differently?
TLDR: Recently cohabitated Fiancé asked for an open relationship, I agreed but under my non-negotiable terms and now I am the asshole.
Submitted July 26, 2022 at 10:39PM by throwawayOR12 https://ift.tt/S4HFpL9
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