I’m [24F] so lonely that it makes my heart hurt. I feel like it’s always been so hard for me to make friends.

When I was a kid, I was actually outgoing. However, I was fat, the only dark skinned person in my school, and considered ugly. A lot of people didn’t want to associate with me because I was uncool, and some people bullied me.

I was smart, so I just focused on school. That and nerdy hobbies (gaming, writing, drawing, etc.) that kept me at home and made me retreat further into the internet. At any given time, I usually either had one or two friends or no one. No one had a crush on me until senior year of high school.

I’ve since become considered somewhat attractive, but I still have such a hard time talking to people. I expect people not to value me and am very sensitive to feeling rejected. I’m professionally successful and usually taken because of my work and my looks, but I wish I knew how to actually make relationships with people. If it wasn’t for dating I’d feel even worse, because the people I date seem to be the only ones that try to get to know me and get into my bubble.

I feel like either I am standdoffish and go it alone or I’m trying too hard. Sometimes I try to make a new friend but when I text them they don’t answer. Other times we’re friends for a little bit, but I don’t know how to actually make a closer relationship. Sometimes people show interest in becoming my friend, but my busy work schedule, anxiety, and probably awkwardness cause things to fizzle out. Texting especially freaks me out. I also suck at opening up to people and tend to fall of the map.

I would love to have friends that I could invite over, throw little parties for, plan surprises, go on trips, play games, etc. I feel like I could be such a good friend if I had the chance, but both my behavior and other people’s interest seems to make that a hard thing. It’s so easy for me to just retreat into not talking, not coming to things, and playing games at home. At least that way I don’t feel as horrible as I do when I try and feel like I’m just not someone who’ll ever be good enough.

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TL;DR: I feel alone and rejected for everything but my work and my appearance. I know this is on me, too, but I don’t know what to do to change it. Please help ):

Submitted May 06, 2021 at 05:27PM by purplepoundcake https://ift.tt/3nVFrFp