When I was younger (9 or 10 I think?) my dad got into a new relationship after divorcing my mom. At first his new wife seemed great, but then she started getting very controlling and manipulative towards everyone in the family. She would tell my dad about how terrible of a parent my mom was for “not properly punishing” my brothers and I and how he needed to be harsher with us because my mom “obviously doesn’t know what she’s doing”. These harsher punishments would include taking our phone away for several months for forgetting to do the dishes and locking us in our room for a month, bringing us three sandwiches a day and only allowing us to leave to use the restroom, for lying about eating some of her trail mix. She would also blame him if any of his friends/family didn’t like her and eventually completely isolated him from them.
My oldest brother, who was 14 at the time, would point out to my dad that what my step mom was doing to him and us kids wasn’t right. My dad would fight him on this (sometimes getting physical) saying that she wasn’t doing anything wrong and that he needed to learn to respect the both of them. This went on for a couple years until eventually my brother moved out into my mom’s. Even after he left however, the few times they would see each other, he would say that what he was doing to my other brother and I was wrong, this would also turn physical most of the time. My step mom would tell my brother and I that my brother didn’t love us and obviously just wanted to start drama. My dad backed her up on this.
One day, when I was 12, my step mom and I got into it and she threw me on the ground, straddled me, and tried to choke me, my dad watching her the whole time. When I confronted my dad on this and how I didn’t feel safe, he first told me that I deserved it, which I believed for quite a while and still struggle with to this day, and then, a couple days later, told me it never happened. He then later told me that if I didn’t feel safe, then I should leave. He drove me to my mom’s house that night and told my mom that he was done with me. After this, he manipulated my brother into believing that I was making up how my step mom choked me, which he then told some of our friends at school.
Eventually, my other brother left my dad’s house after a while as well. I’m not sure what happened but I suspect they were abusive to him as well. He now has severe depression and self esteem issues, which my family believes is due to our dad and step mom because my other brother and I deal with the same things due to abandonment issues with our dad.
Today, my dad asked me through my grandpa to meet me for lunch because he wants to rebuild his relationship with me. He’s reached out to me and my brothers in the past and I’ve always been the only one who’s always refused. The few times he did manage to rebuild a relationship with my brothers, he’s always cut ties with them again in the end due to my step mom convincing him to cut them off again. Usually I don’t even acknowledge him when he reaches out, but today I got really upset over it. I have a friend who’s dad passed unexpectedly about a week ago and I guess it made me think about if I’m found to regret not having a relationship with my dad when he passes. He’s still with my step mom, and part of me is upset by that after everything she did. The other half of me knows that he’s in an abusive relationship with her, so it’s hard to blame him. I’m scared that if I meet up with my dad, he’s going to do the sane thing he did to my brothers when they rebuilt a relationship with him or that it’s just gonna lead to a abuse relationship again. But at the same time, I wonder if he and my step mom have changed and are sorry for what they did, and if I can build a healthy relationship with my dad, albeit a not very close one.
Sorry this is so long and for any grammatical/ spelling errors. I’m still upset about this and I’m very tired. Thanks in advance for your help, I truly appreciate it!!
TL;DR: my dad and step mom were abusive to my brothers and I when we were younger, my dad being abusive due to my step mom manipulating him into being abusive. He reached out to me in order to rebuild a relationship with me, and part of me wants to due to me knowing that he’s in an abusive relationship with my step mom, but i’m scared he’s just going to cut me off again like he’s done in the past to my brothers or that it’s going to lead to him abusing me again. What should I do?
Submitted April 04, 2021 at 10:30PM by thr0wawayy2525 https://ift.tt/3dDiSRa
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