TL;DR I'm in my 34(F) and feel, for lack of a better term, "stuck" in my second marriage 35(M). I have been married for 4 years and I pay for, and hold the responsibility for, everything with no real effort on the part of my husband.
I was married in my early 20s, he was physically and emotionally abusive and it was hell for 4 years. When I finally left, I got 2 jobs and rebuilt my whole life back from scratch. I hustled hard for a couple years. I bought my own place at 27 and spent time being single, dating and building a solid career. By the time I met my husband, I felt like I was ready to give a relationship a chance. We moved in together after a few months into his rental and I leased out my condo (thought being that if we broke up, I could easily move back into my home). Everything was great. After a few more months, his twin brother who was down on his luck ended up crashing in our spare room for several months - didn't pay rent, ate all our food and didn't clean up after himself. It drained me financially trying to keep everyone's heads above water (trauma made me a people pleaser). Their mother is a wealthy well-to-do entrepreneur, but here I was supporting her son.
At the time, my then bf told me he made the same amount of money as me as a successful sports coach. I trusted him, why would anyone lie about that, right? To rid ourselves of his brother, we decided to move into my condo and we ended up getting engaged. All totally normal. Because all the mortgage and bills were in my name, we agreed that he would put some money into my account every month and it would settle fair enough. I kept getting uncomfortable with asking each month, but I also got a rather huge promotion so money wasn't really a factor and it wasn't worth arguing over a few hundred bucks a month when I had it covered.
After we got married, I suggested we move to a house out of the city. He was keen with this, and we started shopping. My broker gave us a number which we could shop with based on our incomes (my actual, his estimated). I was set to make a really good amount on selling the condo so that would be a massive down payment. However, when our broker started to ask for financial information, it turned out that my husband hadn't done his taxes in several years, and had far more debt than he had let on. I was furious! When I started peeling back the layers of the onion, he made far less than minimum wage with his "business" and owed over $15K in other debt. I felt betrayed and was ready to end it there and then - debt is one thing, lying is another. After many days of arguing, we determined that I would pay off all the debt and start with a clean slate at the new home and try to move forward.
The house came with a higher monthly cost - we agreed he would contribute $1000, and I would contribute $2000 which would cover all monthly bills and a buffer left over. I made more, I could afford more and it seemed fair. He has contributed his portion merely 11 times in those 3 years. When he does chip in, he wants a parade as if he is doing some huge favour. Over those 3 years, we have had the same conversation over and over - he buys things for him, but doesn't put any money into the account for bills, ever. Even when I ask, he says he will and then doesn't. He can afford his beer, his weed, his sports equipment and buying the high-end branded stuff, where as I am sitting here budgeting how the hell I am going to pay the home insurance or get my car fixed. What he does earn, he keeps to himself. It is not like he doesn't know the cost of our living, I often talk about the bills and monthly output and how much of a struggle it is but it falls on deaf ears. I have tried writing out and working through budgeting with him. I have tried setting calendar reminders in his phone to make a payment (he is not comfortable with setting up auto-payments he says). We were trying for a baby, but when I started to realize that he couldn't possibly help support us while I was on mat leave, and that he makes less than child care costs a month, I said we needed to stop trying. I have tried approaching this money topic in many different ways and none of them work.
At this point, I am working 60 hours a week and studying at the same time. I hate my job but can't leave because it pays well, helps with my education and keeps a roof over our heads. He kind of works, but COVID has meant his industry (athletics/sports) has been hit and miss with consistency this last year. He isn't really qualified for anything else as he has been working in this field for 15 years and didn't finish university. He hasn't made any effort to backfill his losses, and has laid around alot playing video games. He seems really happy with me subsidizing his life. We have had many conversations about it, to the point that I was getting anxiety attacks worrying about how the hell to keep a roof over our heads. He hasn't made any effort to meet me in the middle, he listens, but does nothing. He could very easily pick up a hammer as he has done in his younger years. I remind him of what it was like when his twin lived with us, it is the same - like a teenager laying around and lying when he's called out. I recently learned that when we met, his mom was helping with his rent... a 30 year old man. I feel so deceived. After all the trauma of the past marriage, I had hoped the "nice guy" would be the best for my future happiness and emotional/physical safety. I was so wrong.
Whenever I have raised the issue, he immediately jumps into the "I'm struggling, I am depressed" but has never taken up the multiple counselling resources we have available and says he doesn't trust therapists (WTF?!). I am so turned off being intimate, I recoil. He no longer makes me laugh. I can barely respond when he tries to be endearing. Our last conversation was 3 weeks ago - I told him this was my last straw, I am not happy and this constant conversation is exhausting and unfair. I don't see any way out of this until he hits rock bottom but I worry about his mental health. What is even more infuriating is that after paying all of the bills, paying off his car, buying our home and everything else in between, if we did divorce, he would get half of everything I have worked my ass off for without lifting a finger. I don't want to lose my house - it is my dream home. I didn't ask for a prenup because I really didn't think I had to - but I am kicking myself.
Is there another approach I should try?
I feel that I know what the answer is, but I need some help getting there without feeling tremendous guilt and shame.
Submitted April 03, 2021 at 09:28PM by Mediocre_Housewife https://ift.tt/3cK9xb8
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