I started dating my boyfriend about 4 months ago. We met online, and I'm the first girl he's ever been in a committed relationship with.
Since we started dating, my bf has been "opening up" to me about his anxiety issues at first on a weekly basis, but gradually evolved into a daily basis kinda thing. Last month we got to the point that we were basically calling for 2-4 hours and sending 100-300+ messages per day. I'd often wake up to an essay filled with anxious thoughts, and even during our calls, I'd have to give reassurance to his insecurities. If I say I'm not ready for this during a call, he'd leave me a message with a script to incorporate into our calls, saying we can work on getting me to be more empathetic.
He'd also ask me to share my vulnerabilities, and once I did, I'd often find myself comforting him because the visuals his brain created were just too much for him.
The relationship honestly felt like a job, and I called him out for it, saying that my courses are stressing me out, and I simply have no energy left to be doing therapy work. I appreciate him for giving me some space after that, and for going back to therapy, and I thought I got over it, but I guess my brain just couldn't.
In the past 2-3 weeks, I've been having a really hard time mental health wise. I'd find myself unable to focus on lectures, like the words would just enter through one ear and out the next and nothing would register. I'd be reading my textbook one moment and be staring off into space the next. I'd be in bed at 3am, exhausted after struggling to complete an assignment and find myself unable to fall asleep.
I had to get my productivity up otherwise I feel like I'd seriously fail my courses, so I started seeing a therapist. We spent a few minutes talking about my struggles in school, but most of our time were spent talking about my bf. At first I thought relationship and productivity were separate issues, but I guess I was wrong.
This morning my bf asked me if I have time to chat. I replied that I have an assignment due tomorrow, and a test the next day. His first response was "well emotionally vulnerable [his name] may be making an appearance" before wishing me good luck. This sounds pretty bad, but to me, that almost sounded like a manager assigning more tasks to an employee who's already working overtime.
On one hand, I want to be a supportive girlfriend, but school is already draining enough that I simply don't have the energy left for it. Also I really do care for him, and I feel extremely guilty whenever I call him out on things, and my heart drops to my stomach every time I hear that he felt hurt afterwards.
I'm not exactly sure what I want to achieve by making this post. I'm the type that tries to deal with her issues by herself all the time, but the emotions I've been experiencing are just too much for me to deal with alone. My next therapy session is 6 days later, and I'm not sure how I can keep myself together during that time. I guess I just really wanted to get this off my chest.
Thank you for reading.
tl;dr: my boyfriend has been vulnerable with me way too frequently, and for some reason my mental health has been declining, but I still need to get my shit together fast otherwise I'd fail my courses.
Submitted February 10, 2021 at 06:59PM by csbutcantmath https://ift.tt/3a8fJII
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