Just realizing i (56F) went full Nice Girl and need to let it go, but I can't.

Where a woman who should know better went full Nice Girl (woman?).

I've (56F, yep fully grown, educated with lots of life experience went Nice Girl) been reading the nice guys and nice girls sub-reddits and watching r/ reading videos and I am completely mortified because I see myself in nearly every post.

A few years ago, I met this interesting man (62M) online and we hit it off. We talked and texted and had a very playful, flirty and very adult-type online thing going. He lives across the country and had business in the large city near me that brought him into town every month or so. So we got together when he would visit. All very adult, very exciting, very FWB and sane. Until, I caught feelings and went OFF. I've never been on the other side of crazy in a relationship before. I started to send long long emails and texts professing my undying love and how he was so cruel for not dropping everything and falling hopelessly in love with me. He tried to speak up and tell me he didn't hate me and that he thought I was great. But that wasn't enough for my nice girl crazy ass. I told him to leave me alone because I clearly wanted more than he did. It was my last attempt to manipulate him and he called my bluff and we haven't spoken for two years.

Cut to the last few months, I've been watching some Reddit nice guys & girls videos and started reading the nice guy/girl subs and I want to curl up and cringe myself into oblivion. I did all those things. I'm a nice person. I would give you everything you want. We would be perfect together. Why don't you love me? You treat me like sh\t* (based on the fact that he wasn't madly in love with me). If it's possible to be mortified out of existence, I wouldn't be here today. It's really starting to affect my self-esteem. I feel like I committed a crime in how I treated this guy.

So, here I am. I have regained my sanity and I see very clearly that I put this guy through hell due to no fault of his. Should I apologize? Call? Text? Email? Long explanation? Short but sweet? At all? Do you think it would help me put down the stick I am beating myself up with? I've tried forgetting but it's like one of those things that you suddenly think about right when you are falling asleep and makes you cringe all over again.

I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.

TL;DR My realization that I went Nice Girl is causing me to lose sleep.

Submitted February 04, 2021 at 03:14PM by MonkFruitFan https://ift.tt/3ttcumH