We've been together three years. I live within almost walking distance, so as it stands I'm there a lot, but I make a pretty cognizant effort not to leave belongings over there, not to be over when he isn't home, and replace toiletres/food/home goods I've used. Boyfriend just recently finished up a lot of home improvements, which he originally embarked on because he was working from home and wanted to give his place more resale value. Over the weekend, he capped off the "last" project on the original to-do list, and I casually asked him what he planned to do with his guest bedroom, which he notably didn't touch. He mentioned he'd like to reserve that for when I move in, since I'd probably want my own office/craftroom.
The "when" part of that conversation scared me. I don't really have any intention of moving into that house, and I'm not sure how to tell him. I'd planned on buying my own house (which he was aware of), but COVID hit and then I lost my job in the fall, so that plan has been set back at least a year. I still plan to get back on track with that.
Moreover, his house is uncomfortable for me for a lot of reasons. He bought this place with his ex-wife, with the intention of them raising a family there together (gone before I came into the picture; she got cold feet less than a year in and left). The project work feels like an attempt to band-aid the fact that she picked out all of the original furnishings. While it is different-looking now, I'm still pretty uncomfortable with the idea that I'm living in another woman's "dream home" (let slip by his mother when we had too much wine one year).
On the practical level, he has three dogs, that sleep in the bed with us (this wasn't originally the case... there's been some boundary creep over the years). It's impossible to get a good night sleep, and right now I have the option of going back to my place if I have something important in the morning. One is also a jumper and prone to taking food off the counter, so cooking at his place gets tremendously stressful for me. If I'm making something complicated, I cook at my place and bring it over later. No level of home remodeling is going to fix that- nor moving into a different house with him, likely, and I don't know how to tackle it.
On a mundane level, we have conflicting habits, none of which were really apparent until COVID and we started spending a lot of time together. We're both morning shower people and his hot water heater isn't substantial for two people. I like to read before bed, he needs to fall asleep to the TV (I give in and watch TV with him when I'm over, and tend to read on a tablet after he falls asleep). I like to host my out of town friends (and thankfully, so does my landlord), he'd rather die than have someone stay at his house overnight (to the point where he encourages they stay with me or his mother). He needs all chores completed immediately when he gets home from work, when I was still working I'd go work out. We've both suffered from severe depression and are trying to avoid relapse, so our schedules are pretty important to us- however, I'm far more willing to adjust mine right now, because I'm not working. When I eventually find a job, I'd like a chance to fix my routine to what it was.
We've never really discussed this before. I had a bad incident at my previous apartment complex and took the opportunity to break lease without penalty, so he offered to let me move in then. However, that was two months into casually dating so I was obviously not going to take him up on that, and instead moved in nearby. We haven't discussed it since because my current location is hella convenient. I'd rather keep up this arrangement for a few more years, since we have no intention of being married, and my currently landlord has no interest in me moving out (she's elderly and enjoys having someone that can do practical things around the house).
Tl;dr- Boyfriend brought up me moving in, and I don't want to. Not sure how to tell him that the separation is preferable with how we currently live.
Submitted February 02, 2021 at 07:26AM by yaythro https://ift.tt/3cCq3tV
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