Basically, the title.
For some context, we’ve been friends for a little more than four years and I finally was able to admit to myself that I was into women about 2.5 years ago.
Although I’ve got hella internalized biphobia which has kept me from telling anyone about my sexuality, I’m in love with this girl. If I could spend every second of every day with her, I would. Hell, I think about her constantly. When I miss her, sometimes I’ll reread our texts or watch a video of us, just so I can hear her voice. When she spends the night at my house we’ll usually just crash in my bed and the next day my pillows will still smell like her and that‘s my favorite smell in the entire world.
I went to college six hours away from home, so I was able to distance myself a little bit and not spend every moment with her, although we did keep in steady contact and she did visit me twice. But every time we spend a prolonged time together, all of my feelings resurface. For instance, I just moved across country for a job and she came along for the weeklong trip and I’m still recovering from spending that much time with her and her absence, because I miss her so much and I don’t know when I’ll see her again. When we were driving through the night, she was asleep and Harry Styles’ cover of “Girl Crush” started to play and I just couldn’t help but cry, holding this in is just so painful for me. For reference, I only cry a few times a year, but I just feel so alone, overwhelmed and burnt-out.
Recently, she has been hooking up with a few different guys from dating apps and being her best friend, she tells me all about their encounters. I obviously don’t want her to suspect anything’s up, so I have to seem like I’m interested in her stories and not totally broken inside at the thought of her being intimate with others.
If I’m being honest, I have no intention of telling her my true feelings. Like I mentioned earlier, no one knows about my sexuality and I am not ready to come out, especially not like this. I’m wondering how I should navigate this situation moving forward.
Should I continue to distance myself or just cut ties completely? I think I’m going to have to cut ties one day, when she gets into a committed relationship, so should I just nip it in the bud? If I am this affected by her hooking up with random guys, I don’t think it would be a good idea to continue our friendship if she actually had feelings for someone.
TL;DR: I am in love with my best friend and am hurting keeping this secret in. I don’t know whether I should tell her, distance myself, or stop being friends.
Submitted September 02, 2020 at 10:22AM by ThrowRA470 https://ift.tt/2YXS3Rc
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