I’ve been sober for about a year now. During that time I’ve noticed that my interest in sex has waned into the point of nonexistence. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized that I demonstrated a similar behavior in a previous relationship even before I was completely sober (though well on the way there—I had quit drinking every day, but did still occasionally drink).
I haven’t dated at all since I’ve gotten completely sober. No biggie there: that’s pretty common across the board. During that time, I noticed a really huge drop in my amount of sexual interest. As in, it no longer really exists anymore. I have dreams, roughly every 6-8 weeks, but past that I have no other interest in sex. I wouldn’t really say a dream indicates interest, but it does point towards some form of bodily necessity.
When I first got sober, I chalked this up to having a lot on my plate: in addition to getting sober, my daughter had moved in with me and I was a single parent for the first time in my life. As I thought about it though, I noticed similar behavior in my previous relationship. In the last 4-5 months (of roughly a year long relationship) I lost almost all interest in sex. My partner said she was unhappy with it, and noticed not only my lack of drive but general disinterest on the act itself. And she’s right. I had no interest and only had sex with her because I felt it was required of me.
All of this is really new. I would say I had an above average sex drive most of my life. To the point that it seemed a distraction. The first few months of it not being, I reasonably enjoyed. I’m starting to get pretty concerned now.
For awhile I considered that I might be asexual, and while that may be the case, I don’t think it is. I’m still physically attracted to women (albeit it at an odd remove from sexuality and with much, much lower frequency than I was in my 20s), and I do still want to be with someone.
So, when I started dating again, I figured that it might just be that it’s been awhile, and that the process would kickstart my drive and then the ship would right itself. Obviously, it hasn’t. It seems even worse than before: I don’t really want to be even touched by another person (which is new—I may not have had much sexual interest but I still craved human touch), and even the thought of sex seems... absurd? A little gross? Bestial. Something animals do out of necessity.
Obviously, this is going to make dating reasonably difficult if not impossible. It feels... totally abnormal and odd (though, I’ll be the first to admit that my ideas of normal masculine behavior stem from America’s problematic gender roles). I also... miss it? in a way that isn’t easy to describe.
So, I’m here to ask what to do. Is this abnormal? Is it psychological or endocrinal? Is this the natural byproduct of being a middle-aged man? Is this how I’ve always been and did I use drugs and alcohol as a crutch to perform “normally”? How do I begin the process of recovering this part of my life?
Some more information: I’m generally health (I exercise [lifting, non-impact cardio] regularly and eat well), I don’t take any antidepressants (anymore—I’ve been off them for about a month now), I’m emotionally, financially and socially stable—some would say successful. I’ve had problems with depression and anxiety in the past, but all-in-all I’m really at the best place I’ve been in the last five years, certainly. Maybe my whole life. My body still responds to stimuli, and I’m not impotent.
TL;DR I’m a healthy adult man who lost all interest in sex and physical intimacy in the past 2 years. During that time I also struggled with sobriety (2018-2019) but eventually became (2019-2020) sober.
EDIT: Hey, everyone. Thanks for the cheers and congratulations. To answer a recurring question: I was on antidepressants for a goodly bit (maybe 7 years?) and in that time experienced what was at the time was my normal sex drive.
Submitted July 24, 2020 at 12:10PM by Pelican_meat https://ift.tt/2D8uFs0
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