And it hurts. Looking around the apartment, stuff strewn everywhere. Opening her drawer, all that’s left are the soft work T-shirt’s I gave her that she liked to sleep in. On her night stand, a heart shaped jewelry box I got her for Valentine’s Day. Next to it, a cookies and cream colored rock I found for her on the beach to match her favorite ice cream flavor.
I don’t know how we got here so fast. We’ve been together for 4 years and lived together for almost 3. We’ve had some arguments over the course of it but would always end up cuddling in bed, whispering how much we loved each other and how we knew the words earlier had just come out wrong. We moved to a new city together, both found jobs. It took time but she found a friend group; mine I developed through work and staying in touch with college friends. I would kiss her good morning every day, we would make coffee and sometimes I would cook us up hash browns and eggs before we biked to work together. Whenever I was sad, she was the one to comfort me. When she had a bout of depression, I was the one bringing her homemade soup in bed, suggesting activities for us to do together, helping her look forward to the future.
Two weeks ago she told me that she was wondering if we had moved too fast. I wasn’t her first partner: she had a few relationships before me lasting a couple years each, but we did move fast. 6 months of dating in college before I graduated, followed by a year of long distance before she graduated and we closed the gap. There were times when we were dating long distance when I thought we weren’t going to work out. Scheduled calls would be missed and she didn’t seem to care. She felt like she didn’t have the time to give me the attention I wanted. One visit went particularly bad. I sensed a wall between us, and did the one thing you’re never supposed to, and swore to myself I would never do again. I looked through her phone. I searched my name and stumbled upon a message from a friend asking her if she was going to tell me. After more snooping, I found out that there was a guy she was talking to, who had wanted to hook up with her. She said no, but had unresolved feelings. She was apparently tearing herself up over whether she should pursue something with him or stick with me. I confronted her, having read the messages to him in Snapchat under the name of another of her friends to not arouse suspicion. We talked through it and I made her understand feelings of what if are normal, but she has to open up to me about it. It’s only healthy to be attracted to other people while in a relationship. But what we have is special. We cried together, and talked it through. The next day she blocked him and life continued.
We road tripped up to my city and moved into our new apartment together. What followed were some of the happiest days of my life. In the summer we got into backpacking, bought all the gear and went for multi day hikes in the mountains. We went on trips together: volcano boarding in Nicaragua, exploring the white towns in Spain, hiking along the beach in New Zealand and introducing her to my cousin and meeting her kids. Just months ago we journeyed to India together for a friend’s wedding, both unsure what we would face and barely made it to the hotel, having found ourselves with a SIM card that wouldn’t start working until the following morning. At the wedding, she hinted at thinking about what our wedding might be like. I started thinking about how I should propose. Some of our happiest moments together though were just us, doing everyday things. Riding our bikes to the beach. Trying new Sichuan restaurants. Even us alone at home, watching Parks and Rec or cooking dinner. One time her friend who was going through some relationship problems asked her how she knew I was the one. She responded that “this just feels right”. She told me that later, in the cutest voice. I couldn’t have said it better.
Fast forward to our conversation two weeks ago. I tried to express that we could find a new normal. If there were problems she felt we were having, we could talk about them. If she wanted to get to know herself by living alone, we could get separate apartments for a while. I thought we were working on it. I sensed some distance but little did I know what was really going on in her head. Saturday, she went for a long bike ride by herself, came back and said she fell out of love. That she has changed, and felt the relationship wasn’t working. That she didn’t see a future with me anymore—kids, a house. I was taken aback. “Do you think we should break up?” she asked. Of course I thought no, but I knew what she was really saying even if she was too scared to say it. When I asked her back, she said yes. I pleaded with her to let us talk through this. Was there something I was doing wrong? Did I not care for her enough? Was I trying to initiate more often than she wanted? Was it because I hadn’t embraced the workout routine I wanted? She said it wasn’t any of that. That it wasn’t me.
I asked her to give me two weeks. I had no idea how close to leaving she was, and it was like a bomb was dropped on me. Why wouldn’t we try to work it out? She said maybe, she needs to think about it. It was time for her nightly call of duty with her friends. She played for a couple hours, laughing at each other’s jokes, seemingly in good spirits. When she came to bed she was laying right next to me but it felt like she was a million miles away. I said, are you actually open to trying to make us work? She had months to plan for this day, to convince herself this was the right decision. I wanted to fight for her. For us. But I could tell she was already checked out. She said she was scared she would just hurt me twice. I said, if you’re not sure you want to try, let’s just call it quits. In my mind, I was begging her to say no, you’re right let’s not put everything we have built to waste. But she said she agreed.
That night she slept on the couch, and come the morning started packing. Clothes into the bag. Backpacking gear, climbing gear in. Skincare, her pillows away. I could barely look her in the eye. The final question was the cats. We got them a couple years ago and quickly became obsessed. Most of her pictures were of them, a brother and sister, curled up in cute positions, squeaking at birds through the window, laying comfortably on our chests. When we adopted them, I was a little concerned because we had just gone through a rough patch and I didn’t want them to act as lubricant, keeping us together even if we shouldn’t have been. But maybe that’s what they ended up being. We both agreed we couldn’t separate them. So now came the question of who keeps them. I assumed it would be a long hard discussion, maybe ending in a coin flip. She asked if I wanted them, I said of course, but since I’m sure you do too how should we handle it? She said I should have them. I was relieved but also immensely hurt. It was bad enough her leaving me, but she wants to leave them too? I think she just felt guilty. Hell, she probably felt guilty for months, knowing how much I loved her and how much I took care of her, and not feeling the same back. Maybe she knew the hole in my heart she left would be too big if she took the cats too.
Finally she was packed and all that was left was to say good bye. We hugged. With tears streaming down my eyes I told her I would miss her. She said me too as a few tears fell. I told her I respected her courage for choosing to leave. Even if I couldn’t comprehend it. How she could leave us just like that. I do want her to be happy. So why couldn’t I have been enough?
I almost wish we had been fighting. Then at least I would understand why she wanted out. When she walked out the door, I was still in love with her as much as I was the first time I told her I love you. Not months prior we had talked about kids, having her mom move up so she could help babysit. I thought we would grow old together. I thought we would see the world together. It is killing me knowing that my feelings were unrequited.
Everywhere I look I see her. Watching my cats play I’m reminded of her. The wafers I got for here still in the pantry. I keep thinking maybe I am going to get a text saying she didn’t know what she was thinking. A knock on the door with her there, ready to jump into my arms. Me waking up realizing this was just a nightmare. Now it’s just me, quarantined at home, alone with my thoughts and the memories of our happy days together.
Tl;dr my girlfriend of four years just left me, and I’m here trying to understand why
Submitted April 06, 2020 at 06:12PM by fallenfromlove https://ift.tt/3bOYVo6
No comments:
Post a Comment