I (33F) feel my BF (25M) has just sentenced our 3.5 year relationship to die a slow death, he can't understand why I'm upset

*throwaway*

Hey all!

Let's just jump straight into shall we? My BF, lets call him Dean, and me have been together for 3.5 years. In that time I've supported Dean through several serious bouts of depression, unemployment and anxiety, I've moved for him and finically assisted him where required. We've been living together for 2.5 years. I've done everything in my power to encourage him and be a good partner. I also asked him upfront if he saw the age difference being a problem and he was adamant it would not be. This is my first serious relationship and his third.

I understand my doing these things for him does not mean I am entitled to anything and I also know feelings can change. For about a year now I feel like Dean had been stringing me along with half commitments, like whenever I ask if he'd like to do this or that his response is always along the lines "if we're still together" or "maybe, I'll see what else is happening" I am, understandably I think, fed up of this and have started pushing for more concrete answers....with no result. Incidentally these responses aren't to life shattering stuff like when do you want to have kids and more along the lines of hey do you want to go for hike in three months type things. I asked him why he wasn't sure about us and his reply was he isn't as attracted to me as he'd like, he then told me all the things that bother him:

• my hair is thin and looks like a rat tail when I braid it
• I have narrow hips and a small butt and he likes curvy girls
• My neck is very short
• I have weird lumpy bumps above my teeth that he doesn't like (I thought everyone had these...like teeth roots)
• My nose is not to his liking
• He doesn't like when I smile big
• My teeth could be straighter and whiter (I had braces as a teen for four years...my teeth are pretty darn straight)
• He finds some of my facial expressions 'repulsive' (Primarily when I eat my bottom lip or pull silly faces)
• I don't wear enough make up or dress up enough (I have not suddenly changed, I am the same as when we met)
• I pull a weird orgasm face
• I have bad posture
• I laugh weird
• I'm not open minding about drugs
• He feels like he'll be in his prime and I'll be old and unattractive

He suggested I could work on some of these things and he may be more attracted. I was pretty shattered. And honestly it seemed like he didn't like anything about me so how could I change enough for him to feel more attracted? I'm happy to do glute and leg focused workouts, but its not going to make my hips wider or realistically add more than an inch or two too my butt-and I think he has unrealistic ideas on what you can do via working out. I'm happy to dress up for him a couple of nights a week and put makeup on-but not every single day, and he hates all my at home comfy clothes like hoodies and lounge pants. Modifying my facial expressions is doable, but then I feel weird that he feels so strongly about one thing that I do maybe a few times a day, he pulls weird faces too sometimes and I think they're cute? And some of this stuff is expensive (teeth whitening) or invasive and expensive (nose and teeth bumps would need surgery). I feel like he's not interested in me during sex, I feel like a tool, he doesn't touch me and always seems to have his eyes closed, and since the above comments I feel horribly self conscious. He's been in individual therapy about his issues around the relationship, including the fact that he can be overly judgemental. He's been making some progress.

He says he loves me and can't imagine his life without me in it, yet he never includes me in his life plans. He's also told me no matter what happens he is sure we'll be friends, I on the other hand know that if we can't sort this out there is no way in hell we'll ever be friends, there is too much hurt there for me now. It seems clear to me that he thinks I'll be there for him no matter what happens in our relationship, and he's wrong.

So given all this I thought we should spend the next half year working on our issues and then decide if we needed to call it quits. But when the corona virus happened he decided he needed to be near his family (his brothers and niece live in another city) so he moved home with his parents about 20mins away. I honestly think he wanted to move out and used this as an excuse. Since moving out he's become unemployed, started getting benefits, started drinking most nights and has taken up vaping. He is seemingly very happy with the whole situation. He's begged me to come over a few times and has stayed with me a few nights as well (this is legal here FYI). But I feel him moving out has basically just killed whatever chance we did have of fixing this (and re reading over this I wonder if I was just being naive about fixing it anyway), living apart will create distance and I feel allow him to wean himself (and me) away from the romantic relationship whilst also hanging onto the friendship. A slow downgrading over several months it seems.

I have asked him when he plans to move back as I hate the constant feeling of distance interspersed with him begging me to come down because he misses me. He has no idea, he can't say yada yada but when he's talking about his plans its obvious he's looking at over a year. Perhaps indefinitely if his dad doesn't kick him out. I don't want to regress to effectively FWB with no actual resolution. I'm beginning to resent the hell out of him and even, a tiny bit of me, hates him a little bit. I feel like he's being cruel and selfish, and that he's taking advantage of the fact I love him unconditionally to shore himself up. I don't know. What kind of converation do I need to have here? Should I issue an ultimatum? Should I count my losses? I currently have no friends and feel horribly depressed over this whole thing, like if only I was younger, had a smaller nose and a bigger ass things would be great. After over three years together I feel like the size of my ass shouldn't be that important to be honest. I don't know. Advice?

TLDR:

My BF has problems with attraction and asked me to do things to remedy this, has since moved home with his parents whilst also wanting to see me at least three times a week. Won't commit to a timeframe of him coming back and feels like he has downgraded our relationship to a FWB situation while he figures his life out before moving on.

Submitted April 23, 2020 at 07:37PM by Corona_bomb https://ift.tt/2S12sYS