My (21F) mom (51) wants me to love her mother (79) but I hate her. Their daughter-mother relationship is based on guilt.

Can't sleep or stop crying.

My mother grew up in another region with her mother (her father left when he knew he was going to be a dad). She was treated like shit, like, forced to stay with her mother in a room when guests and even family came over, asked to lift something really heavy (don't know how to say "rouleau de moquette" in English) while she was a sickenly meager child and told she was useless when she said she could not do it... Her classic meal was a can of mushrooms in front of the TV, they would eat directly in it with forks. I'm sick just by thinking of it.

All her life, my mother has been made feel guilty and not loved.

Once adult, married and mother though, she tried her hardest and even more to help her own mother. She took her to visit homes near ours so we wouldn't have to drive 2h and 30min to see her... but she refused. She even refused all the last invitations to come at our home for Christmas or things like this.

At the time she still came to our home she spent her days in front of the TV. Did not get out for a whole week. Never helped. Never ate anything she did not like, though my mom once made a very time-consuming dish for her...

I hate my mom's mother.

But she is in a hsopital right now, because of something bad she ate at NYE, and my mom freaked out because she thought she was dead.

Guilt wave. My mom wants us to go to see her every holidays at least one day, she wants my brother and I to call her often... and she wants me to stop hating her.

And I can't. She's hurt my mom too much and I have the proof once more. She called me yesterday crying because her mom is lonely and old, saying she did not do her best. But she did.

That's not sane and I can't talk to her about it, she currently is mad at me because I was smiling and snickering nervously when she told me to think again about how I see her mother. That was mean of me but I could not help it: I knew she was going to say that and I know I can't stop hating that person.

Can anyone give me advice about how to deal with this situation, please?

TLDR: my mom wants me to stop hating her abusive mother but I can't, and I feel like I can't talk to her about it because she is blinded by her guilt of abused child.

Update: I just talked to her. She said she's not mad at me. And added that she was wrong when she told me about her childhood. And that it wasn't all her mother's fault. I'm feeling very numb but at least I'm not crying anymore.

Submitted January 03, 2020 at 03:28PM by Suyunia https://ift.tt/2MQKZ2D