I(26f) am ready to separate from my husband (31m) and it's going to be pretty ugly. In need of some hard truths.

I feel like I'm just going to vomit everything out and hopefully it'll make sense.

I (26f) and my husband (31m) got married 4 years ago. We are a total cliche and got married just before his first duty station assignment after dating for about a year (acquaintances for a year prior to it, he wasn't a stranger but not really a friend either.)

He was nice, had some anger issues (as I was told by many people including his mother), and there was so very obvious communication issues that I was too embarrassed to address (a very clear sign to not be married). The initial plan was to get engaged and I was going to stay in my hometown to finish school and I just got a new job that I wanted to stick with for at least a year. This was the plan up until about a month before he was due to move to his first station. I remember that he suddenly called me and told me he thought it would be easier if I just moved with him and that I should put in my two weeks. Honestly, I just panicked and said yes. I should have stuck up for myself, but for whatever reason I didn't. But the decision came from a place of panic and guilt, looking in hindsight.

I had a lot of people questioning me when I said I was getting engaged. Most people thought my husband was a great guy and we had a bunch of mutual friends. I had one friend who took me aside when he heard and was very blatant on why it was a bad idea (and everything he said turned out to be 100% correct in hindsight.)

I moved with him and everything was a complete 180. He was angry at me for not having a job in the first three months when he told me to take my time (which I should have just found something at target to get me by, def on me. I did find a job and the background took nearly two months), I didn't drive for that first year because he didn't want to add me to his insurance, his friend's wives were extremely unpleasant to me and he didn't believe me, it was overall, a very bad first year. I'm tall and already pretty slim (6' and about 160 when I moved there). I lost 40 pounds in about six months, which he says he didn't notice.

I was getting to the point where I didn't have any clothes that fit me anymore and my jeans would literally fall off of me. I bought a pair of jeans from Marshalls once and he tore me one for buying $70 jeans after he dug through the trash for the tags (they were actually $20, the original tag was $70). The second and last article of clothes I bought was a pair of shorts that were like $10 and he was so angry that I just started hiding things I bought after that for the next few years.

Ever since that first year, I grew more of a backbone. Where I crammed down my own feelings before, I tried to confront our problems and bring them up. I was the only that did this in the four years. For most things, he puts only the amount of effort he wants to. He doesn't start conversations, he won't do things until I ask, yada yada. Sex is terrible and one sided. We've had this discussion several times and things change for maybe the first week and then go back to how they've been. It's been so terrible, like crying in the middle of sex terrible.

He was overseas for a few months and that was the only time I really felt relaxed. I didn't have to worry about him getting mad at people, things I used to enjoy I felt like I could enjoy them again. It wasn't until he was back until I realized how stark the contrast is between him being there and not, and it's a lot less stressful when he's not there.

I've been mostly keeping my friends and family out of my problems, but when I tell them something he says or does, they all seem taken back. Watching my friends who are in healthy marriages doesn't remind me of my own. I've been told I avoid talking about him at all if possible.

This spring, he was suppose to get out of the military but decided to extend. I always hated the city we were in and decided to move home after getting accepted into a program that I had been in (I'll graduate even earlier in fact!). We had a talk a month before I left about how things hadn't been good and it didn't really have a resolution. We tend to pretend things will go back to how they were without putting any real effort into making them better. I don't think we know how to either.

I moved back home a few months ago and although he was freaking out about it, we decided it was something I needed to do. He and I barely talk, but it's mostly on my end. Sometimes it's not something I'm consciously doing, but my instinct reaction is to put off his messages. We don't really have anything to talk about besides, hello! how was work? goodnight!

My friends and family had refused to talk to me about him until recently. I just found out there are a ton of rumors circulating, but I did move back without the full intention of divorce (it's always lingered there, but when things are okay, I talk myself out of it. When I moved, I realized I was happier, but I felt like i didn't have any reasons to ask for a divorce). I have had a few conversations where people just ask me and it must just be obvious on my face that things are not okay. I'll start out with a lie, but it always comes out. Since people have heard I've come back without him, I've had an outpour of people asking if I'm okay or they can see me.

The thing is, I feel like I've been upfront with my husband about how things haven't been working out. We've had talks, we've had talks about therapy (i went to one, we talked about going together but it didn't happen), and I'm exhausted from it. Things aren't going to work out, it's very obvious that they aren't. But to him, things are great! We have no problems and we never have! I feel like he's satisfied to drift though this like we're floating down the lagoon, but I'm white water rafting through it instead.

I'm going to talk to him on Saturday about it and going to tell him that we need to separate. He's going to cry and ask where this is coming from. He's a pretty lonely person and always lures me back into, "you're all that i have." Sometimes I feel like I'm blindsiding him with my problems, but I have talked to him about them, we've talked about them many many times. He just forgets that we've had those conversations and maybe that's why things never change either.

So I guess I'm here for a preptalk, maybe I am just giving up on this marriage and need to be told. I just need someone to very clearly say I'm doing the right or wrong things? If there is even such thing?

TLDR; Rushed into marriage, was incredibly awful, moved back home and want to separate. How do I maneuver this mess?

Submitted January 23, 2020 at 05:23PM by Pretend-Apartment https://ift.tt/2Gh1JfX