This seems inappropriate to me but I’d like some outside opinions (35F & 41M, together 7 years)

Update and a few points for clarification:

• my husband is a small business owner who puts in very long hours. The reason I take care of 90% of the parenting is because he is often working until 8/9pm or later and as such I have to take on the responsibility of feeding and bathing and putting our kiddo to bed at night. I also do all of the morning activities like diaper changes, getting ready for daycare, etc because he doesn’t sleep well at night and it’s really difficult for him to wake up in the morning. The morning thing is a problem for me because he will lie in bed while I do all of the work for our daughter and get up at the last minute to shower and take care of himself only. I’ve told him that this is unfair and it bothers me; he told me it’s the way it is and it will never change...

• the division of labor when it comes to household chores is about 60/40 with me taking on more of it simply because I have more free time than he does. As I said above and previously, he does legitimately work really hard to make money and sustain our lifestyle.

I sat down with my husband last night and calmly asked about his relationship with this woman and told him that I saw his LinkedIn message. His response was just as calm and he explained that she was a former client of his who had recently made a joke in a meeting about “turning 30 so I guess I need to get breast implants now”. He advised that this was the context of his message. I told him I felt it was still inappropriate whatever the context and that it made me uncomfortable. We ended the conversation there. I did not mention anything about him hiding text alerts from her.

This morning I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. We drove together to drop our daughter off at daycare and get a coffee before starting our respective work days. After our daughter had been dropped off, I told him I was still uncomfortable with the situation with this lady and that it wasn’t sitting right with me. He told me I could either “spiral and focus on this or let it go” and I said I was uncomfortable and could not let it go right now and that I wanted more conversation around it. He said he wasn’t willing to talk about it anymore. I said that this was part of marriage and he had to talk about it. His response was that he’s a “41 year old man and can do whatever the fuck he wants”.

Things got escalated for the rest of the car ride. I raised my voice and told him that this isn’t the first time in the history of our relationship where he has crossed a line. I asked him if he was seeking out this type of flirtation because it gave him some sort of validation and said “well it’s a lot more than I’m getting at home isn’t it”.

He stonewalled me for the reminder of the ride. This is a pattern with him; he refuses to communicate about difficult topics, especially when they are about his own behaviour.

When we were almost at our destination, I asked him if he would go to a couples therapist with me (one we have seen in the past). He said “I refuse to go to therapy ever again in my life”.

I told him that I’d like to separate because I don’t trust him and I can’t communicate with him. He just said “ok”, dropped me off, and drove away. I don’t know where to go from here. I need to get away for the weekend as I need a rest but I don’t want to leave my daughter behind. I’m pregnant and exhausted and depressed and vulnerable and so so disappointed and angry. What do I do now?

Original Post Below

My husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 4. We have a 3 year old child and I’m currently pregnant with our second child. Our relationship is very stable and we have a lot of trust in each other and love each other very much. No history of cheating on either side, and we are generally a happy family.

My pregnancy so far has made me extremely anxious, emotional, moody, and a little insecure. I know that I’ve been distant, both emotionally and physically. I’m just... exhausted. I work full time and do 90%+ of the parenting for our toddler, so I am drained. I’m seeing a prenatal psychologist for my anxiety and mood so am actively trying to regulate myself.

I stumbled across a few things earlier this evening and they are making me feel sick to my stomach. I’d like some outside perspective to determine whether I’m being unreasonable or if this is a red flag that needs to be addressed.

• my husband gave our child his phone to watch some cartoons. While watching cartoons on YouTube right beside me, our child accidentally clicked on one of the other tabs along the top of the screen. It was my husband’s LinkedIn messages and there was a message right up near the top from a young woman who had a rather provocative photo (very busty with emphasis on the cleavage; not really appropriate for LinkedIn in my opinion, but I digress). My insecurity got the best of me. I took the phone and clicked on the message thread. My husband and this woman clearly have some sort of relationship (professional acquaintances I would assume) as there were several messages back and forth and she works in his industry. He had asked her for a professional recommendation and gave her one in return. One of his messages to her said something like “I’ve written your recommendation and would note that I didn’t write anything about your breasts and I’d like some credit for that”

• this bothered me, so I was curious as to whether he’s had any communication with this lady outside of LinkedIn. I scrolled through the list of names of people with whom he has text conversations, and eventually found her. Their messages were work-related, but it appears as though there were deleted messages from earlier on. He also had it set so that he did not receive alerts on messages specifically from her only. Presumably this means he is trying to hide his communications with her.

• I also saw a stupid conversation between him and a close male friend (a friend who has caused a lot of drama in our relationship earlier on due to his antagonistic behaviour). In this conversation my husband mentioned that we just recently watched a popular Disney movie for the first time and they both proceeded to talk about how they were “horny” for the main character. This just seems so silly and immature to me but, combined with the other two points above, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I just can’t believe grown ass men talk like that; it’s humiliating.

My husband is a good man. He’s a very hard working, respectable guy who doesn’t give me any reason to doubt him. He is just overall a really kind and decent person. This seems really out of character for him, but then again I don’t look through his phone ever so I don’t actually know if this is how he regularly behaves behind my back.

To be clear, I do not believe for one second that my husband has physically cheated. But I do perceive his behaviour when it comes to this woman to be inappropriate and crossing a line.

I’m in a really vulnerable state right now in so many ways, and this just seems like such a blow. I recognize that I’ve been distant and tired, but it’s not without a legitimate reason. I’m also working hard to “fix myself” and get back to my normal emotional state. And it seems like he has gone looking to flirt with somebody else for validation or something.

Should I just let this go? Or is this something that should be addressed?

TL:DR: husband appears to be flirty and hiding text messages with another woman. I’m pregnant with our second child and feeling insecure and pissed off.

Submitted November 21, 2019 at 05:08PM by MommysBears https://ift.tt/2D9CWZA