This might be a lengthy post, but here it goes. I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and didn't have the best upbringing. My parents were typical , strict immigrants who used harsh words and discipline to raise us. I was a chubby kid, so I was often referred to as a "pig, ogre, buffalo, beast, monster, pregnant woman, among a host of other names and comments. My mom would compare me to friends and in addition to this I was one of the only minority kids in my school. I got the name calling for weight at home and name calling for weight and ethnicity/race at school ex: african monkey, smelt like a jungle and sh*t, pulling of braids etc. It was pretty excessive up until I got to high school and even then I realized in college these friendships weren't super genuine. I was often talked out or seen as the non-threatening fat , black friemd. I never dated, and rarely made eye contact with others unless I had to.
I decided loosing weight in college would solve all my issues so , by the end of my junior year I dropped 90lbs by exercising everday with a close friend and eating well. But that summer, it got out of control and it lead to me struggling with bulimia for nearly 3 years. It was incredibly difficult but I had some good friends at the time. I was able to finish college, although it took me 6 and 1/2 years. Fast forward, I've taught overseas, taught highschool Spanish , and now back in school for my masters but I still suffer & struggle heavily with my depression.
For some reason, I can't let go of the past. I feel resentful for being bullied and humiliated so much. I feel upset that no one came to my rescue at a younger age or was supportive. Now, at 27, I'm struggling mentally. I feel angry. My social circle has changed quite a bit and now my closest friends are my boyfriend, and 2 guy friends. The issue I'm having is feeling like I can relate , or that they don't understand me. When I express how I feel, they almost tell me to simply move on and that the past is the past but it isn't that easy for me. In addition, lately, I've been feeling more and more detached from them.
My boyfriend and I haven't had the greatest beginning to a relationship. Part of it , I believe, was the racial and social difference. Granted, we both grew up in suburban areas, but he would say things that we come off cold and/ or insensitive. Also, he wasn't verbally affectionate and wouldn't make comments that seemed like he was physically attracted to me. Comment on my poor posture, or how I wasn't exactly his "ideal" body type. The reason I stuck around was because once I made note it bothered me, he would stop it all together . In addition, we had a lot of the same beliefs and ideas. But anytime now I feel out of place or insecure, those feelings resurface.
Same thing happened this week with a friend. I'm visiting him for Thanksgiving. He's also not the most sensitive guy. I believe he might be on the spectrum but I'm not sure. He would make comments that I would deem rude or overly critical. Like this week about how I should've just chosen a boyfriend that came "respectful" and has made some jokes about my boyfriend as well as snapped at me a couple times for things like not using the right plate, singing outloud etc.
I say all this to ask if I'm just being too sensitive or am I surrounding myself with people who arent the best for me? It's hard to tell at times if it's my temperament making me feel this way, or there is legitimacy in my feelings
TL;DR: Are my feelings of not belonging or hurt due to sensitivity and depression or the people around me?
Submitted November 26, 2019 at 12:01PM by UA_1993 https://ift.tt/33kXYiv
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