My BF and I have been together for 7 years, and despite small things (him not voicing feelings sometimes) we have had a wonderful relationship. I even got very close to his mom, who treated me like a daughter and took us on trips together.
The problems started 3 years ago, when she insisted he just HAD to work abroad after graduating. He liked the idea and went off to work on a two-year contract overseas, promising to come back. I decided to trust him and focus on my career meanwhile.
Well, life throws a curve ball. Five months after he left, I fell suddenly ill, which forced me to move back with my family hours away. In my despair I asked BF's mom (my only local connection) to take care of something for me while I was away, but promised to make it up to her as soon as possible. She agreed to help me, but something felt off.
While away, despite being in horrible pain, I kept communicating with her, offering many arrangements to unload the responsibility off her back. She either rejected them or ignored me completely, forcing herself to continue taking care of it, all while being incredibly resentful and treating me as if I just left her with a burden to go on a vacation. My physical recovery went slow, which caused this to drag on for months of guilt and psychological torture.
When I was finally healthy enough to move alone again, I returned to my old job, and so was nearby to take matters back into my own hands. Nope, she avoided me for months, and would ignore me when I tried to arrange to resolve the situation. Then, I was finally able to get the matter off her hands, but there was still a balance I owed her that for months she would not let me give back to her (I continuously asked for her banking information, tried to meet her, tried to leave it in a hidden spot for her to grab, but she would ignore me every time).
Last week I needed some important information from her. Her response was: "I will tell you. When you give back the money you owe me." That's it. This is when I lost all trust in her. I had been desperately trying to fix my debt while she avoided me, and now she had the guts to accuse me of being a freeloader. There was no way this was not deliberate.
Then, it gets worse. BF comes back to town, and while things are still messy, we try to re-establish a household together. However, she keeps him away from me as much as possible, and he always puts her before me (which at first, I did not mind). Now I will go weeks without seeing him because he feels he owes her the attention after being away for so long, especially since she is a widow (never-mind she sent him away).
So comes the final straw. I had a health relapse and needed his help with something. I called him, and asked for help, but he was over-complicating it ("I can help, but can't you just do it on your own? I'm sure it is not that difficult. My mom needs me here right now"). I ended up getting frustrated and angry and saying I felt I was putting in all the effort in our relationship, and ended it with "F-it! I will deal with it myself!" (yes, I lost my temper, I regret that).
Then I hear her voice. He was on speakerphone.
"I am disappointed in you SadGF. You are manipulative and I see you have been emotionally controlling my son. We need to work on your behavior and communication skills." I panic and try to mutter an apology, but she hangs up on me.
I cried. I called my parents. I spent a few hours trying to figure out what to do, when suddenly my boyfriend shows up at my door. Thinking it is just him, I open the door. Nope, she is there.
"We are here to help you" she says. I say "Thank you but it is too late now. I will take care of it myself in the morning". She then goes on "Actually, I want to talk. I can see you have an imbalanced power dynamic, and we need to sit down and discuss this. We need to work on how you two communicate."
I stare at BF in disbelief. He says nothing.
"No way, we are not doing this."
She keeps insisting she only wants to help. BF stands quietly, giving no input. They won't leave, so I just say "Please go home. I cannot deal with this right now. It is too much." and gently close the door. They finally leave.
BF texts me later nicely asking if I still need help. I say "No, thank you". He says ok and wishes me a good night. I have not responded since (a couple of days now).
My mom thinks my BF has no active voice in his own life and that I am wasting my life with him. My dad says it is not smart to break it off just because of his mom, as he is an amazing person on his own, but this situation is taking a toll on my mental health. I love him, but the emotional stress of dealing with her while also dealing with my own health is too much. I don't know if I can stay with a man who lets his mom mediate his life and relationships, and my trust in him has broken since he allowed her to listen in to our conversation then come bully me at my door.
Is there any possible way to salvage this relationship? Should I give up? He says he loves me, but with her being a priority in his life and my own fragile health being a burden to both of them, I'm worried the effort might not be worth it. Maybe letting him go would free both of us, but I'm scared of hurting him and losing the best thing I have ever had.
TL;DR: BF's mom has been using a favor she did me to manipulate me emotionally for two years after my health failed, all while BF was working abroad and I was all alone. Now that he is back, she wants to do an intervention to "work on [our] communication issues" because of a conversation that she listened in on without my consent. BF is completely passive about it, and I am considering ending things over this.
Submitted November 27, 2019 at 11:33PM by longTimeSadGF https://ift.tt/2ru3JNL
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