My fiancé and I have been dating for 5 years. He is my best friend, favorite travel partner, and someone I can see myself growing old with. We have similar life goals and have experienced a lot of personal growth together -- we motivate each other to be better people, we're both thriving in our careers, we never run out of things to talk/laugh about. I've learned a lot from him, including how to be compassionate, have emotional intelligence, etc.
Honestly, I didn't think that this kind of love were possible. Neither of us are serial monogamists or have really settled down with anyone before, even though we've dated a lot. So we both know that our connection is rare and worth valuing.
But, there are ongoing issues:
- I carry the entire mental load. He views me as "naturally" organized and responsible so he thinks this all comes easily to me, but it doesn't. It's a lot of unpaid/unappreciated labor and I feel disproportionately burdened with house, life, bills, retirement planning, finances, etc.
- He never takes initiative on anything. Let's say the power goes out and the clocks need to be reset. He would NEVER reset them. Or the water filter needs changing. He would NEVER order a new filter. I'm so tired of having to do everything, and having to delegate simple tasks and still have him not complete those tasks.
- He should be comfortably middle class (he has a union job + benefits designed to allow him to support an entire family), yet somehow he barely has any savings and is stressed out about money a lot. For example: I bought a house last year and put in about $50k, but he could only contribute $5k.
- He relies on me for everything -- remembering flight info, important dates that pertain to him (like when his mom is visiting), names of restaurants that we've been to 50 times, how to sign a PDF (just Google it dude), etc.
- I'm very, very queer. Like probably 80% gay. But we've never been able to figure out a setup where I don't feel trapped and where he's not going to be uncomfortable or jealous.
We communicate very clearly with each other, so he's known that these are major problems for us FOR YEARS. I've told him multiple times that I'm at my wit's end, I can't live like this anymore, he needs to get a therapist and start managing his ADD, start using a damn calendar app, etc. He always sees my perspective, recognizes the need to manage his ADD, and apologizes to me, but has done nothing to change anything.
He's tall, handsome, talented, wholesome, and sweet -- I recognize all this, but I don't want to have sex with him at all. There's too much resentment on my part. We've had sex maybe a dozen times in the last 3 years, and it's like... meh. And it's not like my sex drive is gone; I'd just rather take care of things myself.
Recently, I started to feel a deep emotional connection with another guy, who -- among other things -- has a lot of traits that I wish my fiancé had. This made me realize that the above 5 issues are bigger than I thought, and that I can't keep sweeping them under the rug as "minor" problems about chores and sex. I begged my fiancé again to find a therapist for his ADD, and to find us a couple's counselor (I refused to do it myself because one of our biggest problems is that if I don't do it, it doesn't get done). He still didn't do it.
My fiancé only jumped into action after I told him about the other guy. He's now gone to 2 therapy sessions and finally changed some damn lightbulbs in our house. But why did 3-4 years of my tears and frustration mean nothing to him? Why is he only taking action now that another guy is in the picture? I find this irritating.
He says I'm his one and only, the love of his life, and he really wants to work things out with me. I know that I made a commitment, and that we haven't given couple's counseling a shot yet, but I'm only 31! I'm not dead. Do I work on this through individual therapy and couple's counseling, or break up with him? My heart feels numb from a romantic/sexual perspective, but I know these issues are common, especially where one partner has ADD and the other doesn't.
TL;DR: My fiancé and have had the same issues over the years, mostly related to chores and sex. I love him a lot and have never clicked so well with anyone before, but I'm not sure if I want to work on it because I'm still young and we don't have kids or any shared assets. I'm starting therapy in early December to try and work through this, but in the mean time, PLZ HALP!!!
Submitted November 26, 2019 at 05:50PM by sadsadsadsalad https://ift.tt/33oqYpF
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