My SO's grandmother is judgmental and overly critical of everyone and I can't stand her behavior anymore.

I (F30) have been with my SO (M30) for over three years. In this time, I've gotten very close with his family and get along well with everyone. My SO's family are all very funny, accepting, down to earth people with the exception being his grandmother (F73).

Relevant info before I get into it: I'll mention that my own family dynamics are not typical. I'm a first generation American and my parent's immigrated here from another country where all of my biological family still lives. My mom died in my twenties and my dad moved to another country after she passed. Though we are very close, my only sibling lives on the other side of the US. I have a strained relationship with my dad and don't really have a connection (aside from being Facebook friends) to my biological family. Despite this, I have a kick ass group of friends (some of us are orphans, have families who fight too much or live far away) and we regularly celebrate holidays together - I consider these people to be my chosen family.

This year I spent Thanksgiving with my SO and his family (16 of us altogether). Everything was going just fine until his grandmother (who I will refer to as Carol going forward) started to doll out inappropriate comments and judgments throughout the evening.

It started with Carol calling my dog fat. Let me start off by saying that my dog is not fat. She's never been fat. She's an 11 year old terrier mix who still has the spirit and energy of a three month old Labrador pup! We go hiking regularly and take lots of walks, she's on a normal healthy diet, and will MAYBE gets more treats than necessary from time to time because she's just such a damn good dog.

Carol looked at my dog and commented out of the blue (we'd been there two hours at this point), "Your dog looks like she's gained weight! She's getting a bit fat!" Carol then looks over at my SO and says, "So does your dog SO!" I kindly inform Carol that my dog is at a healthy weight as she just had a vet appointment three days ago. SO's grandfather (bless this dude) points to pup's waist and says she looks even slimmer compared to the last time he saw her, makes a joke about my dog being a woman delighted by the compliment of having tiny waist (as she had wagged his tail and looked up at him when he commented on her slim waist), pets her and says she's a good dog. End of story. I'll admit that SO's doggo is a little chunky and he has been since before we were dating, but mostly doggo is just massive and muscled as that's just his breed/body/genetic build.

I let it go in the moment because why bother engaging anymore in this conversation? It did get at me because there have been several other times where Carol has commented on my dog's weight over the years that I am beginning to wonder if she's indirectly trying to comment on my own weight. I went back to grad school earlier this year and I'm also working full time, taking care of my house (I own and have paid off), etc. To be honest, my time management has been terrible. I definitely put healthy eating and going to the gym on the back burner which resulted in me gaining 10lbs. I'm now regularly going back to yoga and the gym and feeling a lot better about myself, so I'm not going to overthink the fat dog comments too much as a reflection on me.

A little while later, a few of us are sitting in the living talking and Carol comes in and sits next to me. She starts telling SO's uncle about my birthday. My SO had thrown a surprise weekend getaway/birthday party for me out of state and his grandparents had come to have dinner one night along with Carol's brother and wife (whom I ADORE and have a good relationship with). That night Carol's brother and I were sassing one another and when I finally made a joke he didn't have a comeback to he said that he was officially adopting me into the family. Carol told this story and finished it with, "I think he said he was adopting yourdoglooksfat into our family because she doesn't have any family of her own." It was like the record player needle scratched and everyone stopped talking to look at us. SO shot Carol a look and she quickly added, "IN THE COUNTRY." Someone quickly changed the subject and I left the room of adults to go hang out with the kids for a bit.

My SO came over and made sure I was okay. I said I was fine and distracted myself by entertaining the kids and taking them all for a nice walk with the dogs.

Later, after all of the kids and my SO's mom had left, I overheard Carol in the other room telling her daughter-in-law's mother about my mother's death. Carol knows abso-fucking-lutely nothing about who my mother was as a person, but she really seems to like(?) telling people that my mom died by suicide and all the shitty things that happened within my family afterward. I did share my experience of losing my mom with Carol about a year ago when Carol asked me about my family. Since then, she has told literally everyone. I knew this. I knew I couldn't control who she told or what she said, but it still bothered me, but last night I had it. I grabbed my coat and purse and asked my SO if he was ready to go. He seemed kind of surprised, but said sure and we quickly made our goodbye's and left.

On the drive home my SO asked me if I was okay and mentioned that his grandpa had asked if everything was okay as well. I explained how I was feeling and what I had overheard. My SO shook his head and said he was sorry, but that's just how Carol is. He said everyone in the family ignores her mean and bitter comments because she can't be changed. He pointed out some of the comments she made to my SO's mother and even to three of his sisters and they all ignored her. She is nasty when she wants to be and other times very sweet and caring (i.e. why I did tell her about my mom and family situation). When anyone in the family has attempted to address an issue with something Carol has said or done in the past, Carol will throw a tantrum and cry and make it seem as though she's being verbally attacked.

I cannot stand it, but I am beginning to think there's nothing I can do about it. I can let the small shit go. BUT. It truly bothers me that Carol has told people about my mother's suicide because that's not the only thing to know about my mother. It's also not the only thing to know about me or my family and our dynamics and relationships are more complicated and go beyond my mother's death. But also: bitch don't talk about my mother.

How do I talk to Carol about this? How do I make this woman understand that my family and mother are not gossip or factoids for her to share with strangers? Is it even worth it?

Thank you for reading this long post and any suggestions or feedback you have to offer.

TL;DR My SO's grandmother called my dog fat on Thanksgiving, told a room full of people I have no family when I do in fact have family, and "quietly" gossiped to another guest about my mother's suicide. Everyone excuses her inappropriate and nasty comments with, "That's just how she is." I'm sick and tired of it.

Submitted November 29, 2019 at 10:03AM by yourdoglooksfat https://ift.tt/2OwzfUd