EDIT: Just noticed on the table in front of where he was sitting as we argued over the intimacy issues last night is the coupon he knows I'm using for the cards... I don't know if he purposefully brought it up to stop me addressing the fact he isn't working on his porn addiction at all or just ran with it when he realized mentioning how sad he was over the cards derailed the conversation into me feeling bad for him... But he definitely didn't correct course when I ended up feeling bad for the card and focusing on that instead of the actual issue at hand.
Little background... my parents and most my grandparents have passed and I am divorced. Over the years my family photos have increasingly had less people. Its depressing as hell for me. However, I treasure photos and its so important to me to have them. It's been tough for me to accept that this year there is only me really. But Christmas cards were something my Mom always did and I love making custom ones on Shutterfly and sending them out to what handful of extended family here and friends I have. It's something for ME, not other people so much. To keep a part of my Mom with me I guess. I dunno it sounds stupid kind of but its just important to me, I have them up from the years in my house and treasure them. So I decided this year to do one with just me and my 3 dogs instead of just be sad and not have one.
I also have only been in three adult relationships, the main one being my marriage of 8 years and then a short lived couple month thing and then this relationship, everything else has been casual, so I don't have much experience dating as an adult so not sure what is correct here.
Anyway...
Maybe necessary background? Not sure...
My current boyfriend I dated for 10 months and we broke up due to some intimacy issues he has and something that I did. Essentially he has serious intimacy issues and what turns out to be a massive porn addiction. After months and months of no sex and absolutely nothing from him (he isn't comfortable going down on me or getting me off at all) I ended out drunk and slept with someone. Not defending it, I hate people who cheat and never thought I was capable of it but I guess I learned that in a dead bedroom situation with my guard down, it happened. We broke up when I told him and when he finally let on he has a porn addiction. Basically both have some stuff to work through.
We kept talking because the rest of the relationship was amazing and he promised to seek help for his issues and I promised to work through in therapy (I've been in therapy for years anyway) how I had let myself being such a lowly cheater and how to work with a high sex drive. After a month or so we decided to give it another go. I go to my therapy as usual but he hasn't gone to seek professional help and he is struggling to find ways to work through things. Me cheating made things much worse for him and I'm very remorseful so I'm trying to help him through it but I'm already super frustrated with no physical contact in two months again, well last time he and I did anything was in August before the split but nothing since we've been back together for almost 2 months. I'm trying to be patient because he has a lot of trauma to work through but he really needs a professional and I really am getting beyond frustrated.
Needless to say things are not going super well and if he doesn't figure out a way to work through things and at least try and help me with my needs in some way we don't have a future.
It came to a head last night when I was beyond pent up and frustrated and he was waiting at my house when I got home. I had been expecting my house to be empty and for me to get some me time in since he isn't at a point he can help me with anything. I ended up lashing out about my frustration and we got into a fight about how me cheating has destroyed him and it was a mess.
The Christmas photo issue...
In the end though he ended up crying and being really, really upset I haven't asked him to be in the Christmas card photo. How this became the main point of discussion I don't know but it was really, really clear me not offering that to him while I have been buying matching sweaters for the dogs the last several months and prepping my mantle for the backdrop this week has made him feel excluded and closed off and apparently really hurt him and is part of why he is struggling with intimacy right now because he feels left out and inadequate. He was really REALLY upset over this. Said he would send pictures out to his friends and family even if we broke up right after so he doesn't understand why I am unwilling.
I'm not really comfortable sending out pictures of us together right now with the state of things. We have only been back together 2 months after a breakup and still have some big issues to work through. But now I feel really sad about it all and not sure if I am being a jerk or not? Is this fair for me to do or just rude? I don't want to not take the pictures and do what I enjoy doing because it's upsetting to him but now I feel unless we break up before Christmas it will just be this thing that breeds resentment so maybe I should just give up on the idea entirely and let it go.
I don't know... a rocky relationship doesn't seem appropriate to send photos out to people though. Even if we were happy unless we lived together or were moving in a really serious direction I still would feel this way but maybe I am being a rude bad girlfriend.
What is normal here? Should I compromise or give in or just not do any pictures?
TL;DR: Boyfriend and I have rocky relationship after splitting up and then getting back together two months ago. Things aren't going well. We got into a fight and he is really upset I haven't asked him to be in the Christmas photos I plan to send out that will be just me and my dogs. I don't know what is fair here, if I am being a jerk, should compromise, just not do it, or what. Pictures are really important to me and this keeps the tradition my Mom did going for me since she passed so kind of a big deal for me.
Submitted November 27, 2019 at 11:54AM by t0ssit3 https://ift.tt/35I4X6G
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