TL;DR: Paused a six year realationship, talked all the time like best friends, and found him dead (for an unknown reason, at least for now).
I dont know whats the point of this post, maybe i just need to tell someone i dont know. Im just such a fucking mess right now, i have no idea what im even feeling most of the time.
We were together for six years. I have known him since kindergarden and we have always been like family. We started dating pretty young, but it was always just the right thing. We dated for a couple years and lived together for four years. We lived like we were married, even though both of us agreed that we never actually needed any piece of paper to prove that we would be together always.
We got to the point where the question about family started to pop up. And that hit us hard. He had dreamed of family and children since he was little, and i could never see myself as a mother. Still can't. This made things a bit harder for a few months and finally we decided to pause things. Since we were so young when we got together and neither of us had been alone in our adult lives, we thought this would be best. Live separately for a while, maybe even see other people if felt like it, but most importantly, stay in each others lives. We talked still almost daily, and were really good friends.
This was three months ago.
Its been one week since he died. I was out all day, and his sister texted me that theyre worried, he hadnt answered his phone all day. I tried calling him, and saw he hadnt been online all day. It was about 9.00 pm. I went home to het his spare key and drove to his apartment. He didnt open the door so i went in. He was in his bed. Sleeping. Like he always slept. But he didnt wake up. And he was stiff. He was 22 years old.
Im wearing the rings his grandmother gave him a few years ago in case we would someday want to get married. I still havent quite understood that it actually happened. That he is actually gone. Dead. Never to see him again. How in the hell am i supposed to continue my life. It was this silent contract between us that the "breakup" was just for us to see who we are on our own and then get back together when we have learned more about ourselves. Nope. Never to happen.
Submitted November 30, 2019 at 01:20PM by kassukasi8 https://ift.tt/2OWfZi6
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