My friend (let's call her X) and I have been good friends since our sophomore year in college. My relationship with her has become increasingly trying, compounded by her depression and my adoption of a more positive outlook towards life.
- We became friends under strange circumstances: I had told her about a guy (Y) I felt a great connection with, and she tried to befriend him. Once, Y was heading to lunch with me and (unbeknownst to me), he ran into X and mentioned where he was going. She asks him if she could join, which he asks me (without mentioning that X asked him to join)- I say that it would be nice if it was just the two of us, since we were going to hang out with her the next day anyways. X was offended and invites Y over to study with her alone that evening, and then asks to hang out for coffee later to show me that she got to hang out with Y alone anyways. I was hurt by this unnecessary display- she apologized to me after realizing how upset I was, but I maintained some distance afterwards.
- However, we ended up becoming closer afterwards. Y comes to visit me in a different state during our internships and also attends my graduation ceremony. She reaches out to a friend to help me find housing when I needed to move during my internship.
- Things really start going downhill once Y graduates. She moves to a different state for work and develops a great distaste for the cut throat world of business. She becomes extremely suspicious and paranoid about the intentions of her coworkers, no matter how innocuous they seem. For example- a coworker was visibly upset when her favorite casserole was accidentally broken by Y. Y: "that bitch revealed her true colors- she couldn't conceal her anger when she saw that I broke her favorite dish. but she quickly covered it up and made it seem like it's ok and refused my offer to replace her dish..."
- When I go to visit her, she becomes mysteriously moody at times- after a road trip on that visit, she enters her boyfriend's bedroom and slams the door in my face without saying a word.
- Y moves back to our hometown to go to grad school. She maintains her initial paranoia but soon makes friends. She grows distant, only to call and talk when she is feeling depressed. Every time we hang out, the main topic of conversation is her depression, or her feelings of inadequacy.
- However, at the same time, she maintains a very healthy relationship with her new friends- going out with them to clubs, bars, parties- shielding them from most of the issues she is facing (by her own admission). Our hangouts that don't involve discussing her depression are infrequent, and usually involve me helping her somewhat (moving, packing etc).
- Meanwhile, our chats have constantly been about what she's doing with her other friends, how cool they are, how pretty they are, etc etc. (A sour point for me in our past was when she mentioned that I was her "nerdy friend" while another girl she was trying to befriend was her "pretty friend".)
Overall, I just feel a great sense of emotional exhaustion hanging out with her. I've never really felt comfortable reaching out to her for help because of how unreliable she always was (arriving 3 hours late for a hangout, or constantly on the phone as I'm telling her about family issues). But now, I just feel like I'm the emotional support group. Of course, I want her to be happy and no longer depressed (she is seeking medical help), but I also dislike that I'm only around for the depression phases and never for the positive phases. If I ever talk about how I feel sad or unhappy, it's trivialized to something that boils down to "don't worry all people are terrible", which is not always helpful. I am very grateful to her for visiting me a few summers ago and for attending my graduation, but playing second fiddle to all her cool friends is really getting on my nerves.
How would you suggest I approach this situation? Am I unreasonable in my expectations? I don't really look forward to hanging out with her at all, but now I overcompensate by forcing myself to go out of the way to do so (mainly out of guilt).
TL; DR: College friend seems to only want to hang out with me when she needs help or emotional support. As a result I don't look forward to meeting her at all.
Submitted June 23, 2019 at 12:05AM by quotacco http://bit.ly/2FsVxBz
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