Original post: https://ud.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/6o8r2i/stepmom45f_acts_like_im19f_the_other_woman/
Two years after posting this, I can safely say that my family is irreparably fractured. My relationship with my Dad is never going to be the same; in fact, there may not even be a relationship. My younger step-brother (7) has been largely poisoned against me by his Mom. My sister (19) mostly stays away from my Dad's home because it is so uncomfortable. My other sister (14) feels the need to create even more drama, just so she can get a scrap of attention. It has gotten so unbearable that I don't even feel sane anymore.
When I wrote my last post, I really thought there was a solution to my stepmom's behavior. I had many calm discussions with my Dad where we talked about how damaging stepmom's behavior is. Over time those discussions have gotten more heated and mean. We had gone over it over and over and over to the point that I feel like a broken record. Every time we talked about the issue, he would acknowledge that her behavior is terrible (not in those words because he can't say anything bad about her) and tell me that he didn't know why "she is like this".
I'd ask him why she never liked me over and over again. "Why did she never try to get to know me? Why is she so cold? What the hell did I do to deserve this?" are the questions I asked him pretty much every time I saw him. He never had an answer. All he could say in her defense was the he could see "both sides" (even though the issue started when I was a fucking kid and did absolutely nothing) and that she was so stressed because she had to clean up and sometimes no one would eat her dinner. Which is an absolute joke because when I raised my younger sisters by myself starting at age 13, they did the exact same thing to me. My 13 year old self NEVER treated them anywhere close to the way stepmom treats me.
I even tried confronting the source of the problem a few times, but it never helped. It probably made things worse. She would just deny any responsibility for her actions and act like I was absolutely insane. It always devolved into shouting because I would get unimaginably frustrated that no one cared or recognized the borderline abuse. And the terrible part is there was nothing that I could really confront her about. There isn't one big thing that she's done; just 7 years of acting like I am not my father's daughter and like she was the victim of a hate crime. It is so hard to put that into words when someone asks you what exactly stepmom has done that is so irredeemable. I would much prefer that she had done something big; knowing someone hates you but will never show it in any other way than coldness is so much worse to me than anger.
It got much worse when I had to move back home about 6 months ago because of my financial situation. Also note that I am not freeloading. I have a full time job, I pay my own car bill, I rarely eat their food due to stress-induced appetite loss, I buy all my own clothes, pay for everything related to my dog, and until it got bad I paid rent in the form of using my lunch break to drive my sister home from school (10ish miles from home). And I swear, when I moved in I tried so hard to make things better. I tried so fucking hard to be her friend. But she has just hid away in her room for the majority of the past 6 months, avoiding me. There were some times when it was ok, we'd have friendly conversation, but it never lasted more than a few weeks. I'd either do something unknown to upset her, or she would do something that upset me. 7 years of tension would just bubble over any time anything happened.
3 months ago, I stopped trying with her. I realized no matter what, she will always hate me. There is no relationship to be had with my stepmom. Ever. And it made me so angry that my Dad didn't care how much I was hurting. He didn't care that the situation made me feel like I was back in that house with my abusive Mom, 13 years old and utterly powerless. So not only did I stop trying, I started being kind of mean. Every time she said something passive aggressive, I'd rudely call her out. Not like it mattered anyway since she rarely talked to me, but I stopped talking to her. I made sure to leave as much as my stuff in the way as much as possible. I stopped doing anything to help stepmom and Dad during my work hours (8-5 M-F, I work from home and used to use my lunch break to drive my sister home from school). I rarely ate her dinners. Stuff like that.
I'm not necessarily proud of my behavior, but I'm not ashamed either. I hate being mean and it actually doesn't make me feel any better, but I also refuse to just keep ignoring how she treats me. I just wanted something to be different, you know? I didn't care if it made things worse because then maybe someone would finally help me. No one did. My Dad and I began to grow apart and now I have a hard time seeing how he can love me and still let this go on for years.
And last night, he let it slip my stepmom is trying to manipulate him into kicking me out. She evidently told him she would move out--OF HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE--just to get away from me. It's the most manipulative thing she has ever done. And it absolutely broke my fucking heart to hear that 1. someone hates me that much and 2. that my own father didn't think that was unacceptable thing to say. Yes, for the past 3 months I have not been nice, but I have not been evil. I have certainly not done anything she herself hasn't done for years. There is nothing wrong with me and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have certainly done nothing to deserve her making my Dad choose between his daughter and his wife. The conversation ended with me reminding him that under state law, he can't kick me out unless he wants to go through eviction proceedings. I never want it to come to that, I only mentioned it because I have a dog that I am responsible for and I will not let her live on the streets. And that's where we left it.
The past few weeks have made me realize that he will never stand up for me. He will never admit that there is nothing that made his wife hate me other than her own crazy. He will never admit that she 100% started this situation out of jealousy or something else when I was a kid. He will never admit it's not my fault (except the escalation that happened when I moved in, something I freely admit I 100% had a big part it). He will never leave her, even though in desperation I have asked him how he could love someone that hated his daughter so much. He won't even admit that my mother abused me for 10+ years, even though the state literally took his children away from her and the investigative report done by CPS was the most scathing, one-sided report that judge had ever seen. He will never love me enough to protect me, and it's devastating.
Thank you for reading this very long update. I am about 90% sure I have a place lined up to move within the next week. I will be leaving this house and never coming back unless their marriage ends. I still love my Dad but I am so disappointed in him. I'm not cutting contact out of anger, I'm cutting contact because it is too painful to have my Dad prove to me every single day that he doesn't care how bad anyone treats me.
tl;dr: stepmom has ruined my family and I don't think it is fixable.
Submitted May 01, 2019 at 08:41AM by missmolly314 http://bit.ly/2vwoTK3
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