I (23F) just started going to therapy about unhealthy habits related to recently diagnosed mental health/developmental disorders. My boyfriend (24M) is at the end of his rope with how these issues have affected our relationship. How can I ask for patience, especially in a (temporary) LDR?

TL;DR. I often interrupt my SO and am generally a selfish communicator. I have always known this was unacceptable, but only recently have I been going to therapy and started medications that may resolve contributing mental health issues (ADHD, depression, anxiety). We saw big and noticeable improvements since therapy, followed by a recent set-back of more fighting. I have a solid game plan fix this (go back to therapy, sleep, gym, diet, medications). Still, I'm worried that he's lost confidence in me. I want to ask for patience, but more importantly, I want to hear from others about how they manage work-in-progress unhealthy habits within their relationship, and whether it's possible for us to stay together without me hurting him as I work through my issues.

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TL;DR V2: I was an asshole, I got help and reduced my assholery, but just made an ass out of myself. Can I convince my SO to put up with me being an asshole, or do I have to just do my best and face the consequences by losing the love of my life for having an asshole relapse?

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I'm long-winded. I've cut a lot of chronological context, but kept the important info within the TL;DR if this essay is too much.

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My SO and I have been together for about 3 years. We graduated from college together last year, and have been in an LDR since then. We still manage to see each other 1-2 times a month despite being a 5 hour drive away from each other. We have a solid plan to move in together in two years, speak openly about getting engaged, married, having kids, to ourselves and to our friends and family. We're both very much in this.

But I've got a few habits which are unhealthy for our relationship. I only started getting medication for my ADHD in the past ~year, and though the medication helps, this is the first time that I've realized that the habits I've developed for over 20 years are in severe need of fixing.

When it comes to my SO and I, the biggest flaws are that I have very poor active listening skills, and I interrupt often. In addition, I'm a bit presumptuous and therefore quick to anger, however often my assumptions occur because I didn't let my SO finish his sentence. I only recently realized that I approach conversations with the intent of *responding* and not with the intent of *learning* or *listening*. When it comes to arguments, I've been prideful and debate-like, and am always trying to take conversations point-by-point to win, and have a hard time admitting my faults until I've at least been given credit for being right with at least one of my points.

Yikes, right?

Being in a long distance relationship makes the interrupting bit and the assumptions bit a lot worse. Eye contact and facial expressions, body language, and physical reassurance (holding hands, hugs, holding each other as we talk), etc. are taken away. I have a harder time differentiating between natural pauses and with it being my turn to speak. I've made a lot of strides in waiting my turn to speak and being hypersensitive to asking for permission to interject if I think it's necessary. However, all of these strategies go down the drain in the midst of an argument. Being upset for me, means no impulse control. There's a tiny voice in my head that will be flashing alarm bells for me to take a breath and be quiet, or even to ask if we can hang up briefly so I can center myself before talking again, but in my anger I shut out that voice.

My SO doesn't feel heard, and even though he loves me, he has a stressful home life and it's hard for him to rationalize staying in a relationship where he feels he needs to walk on eggshells to be treated fairly.

I hate that I've put him through this, and I went to 5 therapy sessions (free through work), and had a 6th session with him present. All went very well, and our relationship went from near-breaking up, to a renewed honeymoon phase. After my free seasons were up, I couldn't afford to continue. However, I did learn through these sessions that I am also depressed. I started anti-depressants about 4.5 weeks ago, doc says they take about 6 weeks to stabilize. It is likely that depression is a big variable here, as mine is expressed largely as irritability among other symptoms relevant to how I interact with people.

News events of the last two weeks that are relevant to some personal events and childhood grief caused me to stay awake from 3-6am every night (I go to work from 9-5). The stress of the news cycle, the sleep deprivation, my goddamn period, and possibly my new anti-depressants, all have caused me to be pretty on edge. I also believe that my significant improvement was aided by the ability to talk through my habits and relationship issues with a neutral third party, rather than dumping everything on my SO or my friends. Overall, after a month of drastic and sustained improvement, everything fell apart and we've had about 3-4 huge arguments in the last few weeks, including a very big one last night.

I intend to call my therapists' office today and start going back regularly. My doctor's appt regarding my medications is in two weeks, and I'm using the long weekend to catch up on sleep and start going to the gym again. All in all, I've seen how susceptible I am to projecting outside influences onto my SO, and have seen how this affects my ability to communicate. Starting with these concrete steps, I'm confident that this was only a setback.

My SO knows logically that personal growth like this won't be perfectly linear. However, he's somewhat of a superhuman in his ability to easily adjust his own behaviors almost immediately, and it's hard for him to empathize with the time it takes for me to identify, become conscious aware of, and reverse lifelong habits.

Lately, especially in the last week, he has said things in frustration that closely mimic the near-breakup point we were at just a couple of months ago. At that time, he had made an ultimatum, that he needs to see some real progress in how I communicate, or else he's worried that two years of being in an LDR with someone he needs to walk on eggshells around, will take a toll on his mental health as well. He loves me and wants to marry me, but he's torn about making the healthy choice. I want to *be* the healthy choice for him, and I'm wracked with guilt for being a source of stress for him, and I desperately want to reverse that, and be the person he can call when he needs love and support.

I can't promise him that I'll just magically be perfect, I can only take concrete steps, go back to therapy, and prove to him over time that I can sustain this again. I never use concrete language or make promises that I can't keep, but I think when he hears me tell him that I can't promise him to never interrupt him again, that he hears me saying I'm not trying or I don't think it's possible, when really I'm speaking literally, and I'd rather prove myself through actions than through promises.

People of Reddit, have you ever been in a long term relationship with unhealthy work-in-progress issues like this? Do you have suggestions on how to help my partner feel confident that he's not making a stupid decision in staying with me, provided that I am truly and genuinely taking concrete steps and am making tangible progress toward personal growth? What questions should I ask him to make him feel heard about these issues, and what kind of realistic goals could we set so that we can both feel good about our progress? Lately, conversations have been a lot of finger pointing or deciding who "takes the blame" any time we communicate poorly. I feel like this is really negative, and want a positive approach instead.

I feel like I'm inches away from being a good active listener and communicator, and I'm inches away from executing all the strategies to accomplish this. These issues are deep though, and even if, starting today, we only fought once every few months about these things, I'm scared that his difficulty in understanding the non-linear and circumstantial nature of these issues, will cause the straw to break the camel's back. He's the love of my life. I fucked up by taking this long to make these concrete steps and get help. I need help earning his trust back. Do I deserve it?

Submitted May 26, 2019 at 03:16AM by Jadednotsharp http://bit.ly/2QmjqPx