My fiance and I are getting married over the summer (we've been together 4 years). We decided on a very informal courthouse wedding and the two of us decided to elope/honeymoon internationally after. Well, this was heartbreaking to our parents and my mom threw a fit and tried to bargain and bully her way into getting her way. I gathered all of my strength from the spirit of past r/relationships posts and put my foot down. I had a change of heart a few months later though. I have a good relationship with my MIL and I wanted her to be able to see us get married. Fiance and I decided to invite the parents for the weekend of our courthouse wedding. We planned some photos and simple dinner and THAT'S IT.
My mom of course took this as an invitation to start planning a wedding for us with a fancy cake and extravagant dinner. I just let her make these plans and not acknowledging them, instead reiterating my own. It seems to be working so far, except when it comes to the dress.
Backstory: My mom has always used money as a tool for emotional manipulation. Even when I was a child, she would spend her "last dollars" on something and bring it up FOREVER. She would talk about how she was poor and didn't have any clothes without holes in them because of me and my medical bills or things that I "wanted". She would tell people on the street that she couldn't afford a haircut or dental work because of me. I separated myself from my parents financially as soon as I got to college and have a lot of debt as a result. I really couldn't handle the constant guilt trips even if it meant working full-time my freshman year. I stopped asking for anything at a young age and I still have a huge aversion to asking anyone for anything or receiving gifts. A few years ago, my parents took a page from Wesley Snipes' book and are now in a pretty bad financial situation. This makes my mom even more of a martyr when she sends me (unsolicited) gifts.
The first time I told her about the wedding, she said, "I don't have any money, but the dress is MINE!" meaning she would buy it for me. She talked up the experience and is clearly looking forward to shopping with me. I don't mind the shopping aspect, but I don't want her to make this all about the sacrifice she made for my "special day". I will literally have to hear about this for the rest of her life - "Remember when I spent my last few pennies on your dress. I had to eat rice for a month afterward and I couldn't afford my medication, but you looked so lovely!" I don't want to think about how much of a fucking narcissist my mom is every time I look at my wedding photos.
I started doing some preliminary online shopping and found sample dress on sale for $100 down from $500! I ordered it and it's arriving today. Assuming it fits and looks okay, this is the one.
Here's the problem: My mom is coming to visit for the first time in a year and dress shopping is at the top of her list.
I'm so stressed out about what to say. I know I need to tell her that I bought a dress already, but I really just want to lie or avoid this whole situation. Anyone who's dealt with a narcissist knows how she's going to turn this around on me so I'm the asshole, and blow this whole thing out of proportion. I never really developed a healthy relationship or mechanisms to deal with her and I just avoid situations like these to keep peace. My best idea so far was to tell her I found the dress at Goodwill. What's wrong with me???
I know I need to tell her, but what's the best way to approach this with the least amount of explosion? How do I stand up for myself without being a total dick? I believe in speaking my mind and doing what you want, I just don't want to deal with this fallout.
TL;DR: I'm still a child at nearly 30 who is scared to tell her mom that she bought a dress.
Submitted May 01, 2019 at 07:48AM by TheSweatyCheese http://bit.ly/2vuJ0bn
No comments:
Post a Comment