My husband (34, M) and I (32, F) are happily married. We have been together for over 6 years. Most days are great; we love our family and each other and we express our gratitude often. We have a baby who's almost one year old. But when my husband gets stressed at work, which happens a lot, it seems to overtake his entire being. He hates his job and says it is sucking out his soul. Lately it feels like he has started blaming me for his stress.
I know it's not easy. He works about 50 hours a week and it's a high-pressure job. I think about this on a daily basis and try to do little things to make life easier for him, even if he doesn't often notice them. He brings in almost all of our work income. If you do the math, my work brings in 3.5 percent of our work income, which I know seems negligible, and financially, it is. But we inherited money and that gives our monthly income a boost. (To explain what I mean: this is a trust payout. if you count my trust, I bring in way more than 3.5% of our joint income through my trust, but I don't call that work income because it'll come our way whether I work or not, and also I don't consider it "mine"--it just goes into our joint account. It is part of our joint income but unrelated to work.) Overall we're in great shape financially. We own our house and are on track to pay it off in about 15 years, and we don't have any debt besides car payments and our mortgage. If we wanted to, we could move somewhere cheaper and both not work at all and just live off our inheritance, or sell our house and buy a house with cash in a cheaper town. I don't really want to do either of these, but sometimes when he's super stressed I'll mention these options, but he says he wants to keep working, and I do too! I would say that at this point, money is not the deciding factor in either of our careers, but he chose a MUCH more lucrative career than I did and also feels more pressure to provide financially for our family through his yearly work earnings. We do depend on his income right now, but if it disappeared, we could change our lifestyle to be fine without it. That would be Ok with me if he would be happier.
I worked really hard to get the job I have and I love it. It is important to me to continue to be active in it. It's a low-paying job with unconventional hours, and an irregular schedule, which means that I work evenings and weekends, but all told I usually only work about 15-20 hours a week. The only options for this kind of work are evenings and weekends. This all seemed cool to me when we had a baby because it meant that when my husband comes home from work, he can be with the baby; when he is at work, I take care of the baby. I am home with the baby on weekdays and also when my husband goes out with friends or does martial arts. We have a babysitter to help some of the time (like when I do have work during his work hours, or when I go exercise). I'm on call for the baby all day, whenever my husband is at his martial arts class, and all night every night. I am the one who gets up with the baby to feed him and put him back to sleep when he wakes up at 3, 4, 5 AM--I have been that person for his whole life so far, and for most of his life so far, he wakes up in the night at least once a night.
But my husband is really unhappy. Last night he said he was "too exhausted" to do anything social with friends or even to go into his man cave, and spent the evening playing guitar and then sadly, desperately telling me how much he hates this lifestyle. I am afraid he's getting depressed. The job is the main problem, but it seems like there's more. He told me he is "the only dad" he knows taking on the role of "single dad on the weekends." (I would call this a bit of an exaggeration; he sometimes spends 5-8 hours alone with the baby on a weekend day but usually it's more like 3-4. Still, if that's how he feels and he doesn't like it, then it matters!) It seems like he is taking it personally that I WANT to work. Last night he told me he'd be happier if I would stop working and just be a stay-at-home mom so that weekends would be chill time for recharging as a family. We do that sometimes, but he wants it every weekend, I think. My works makes some weekends free and peaceful, and others super busy, and that's always how it has been. Having the schedule he wants would mean diminishing my professional life and stepping back from my career more than I already did since having a baby. He feels that since I'm the one with a flexible schedule and a choice in how much I work, I should be the one to work less. I told him I'll commit to fewer things moving forward for a while, but I am unwilling to have ZERO weekends that are super busy, because that would mean basically not doing a big part of my job.
I think I'd be really sad if I gave up my career. True, it doesn't bring in much money. But it matters to me. Just like when I suggested that he stop working, and he didn't want to either. I think what he needs is a new job! I am encouraging him to find something different. But how do we cope in the meantime? It feels like anytime he's stressed out in general, he finds reasons why it's my fault--he says I take on too many work obligations on weekends, I insist on working this job that brings in no money, I don't understand what it's like for him. I remind him that he chose his job and his field, and that's not my fault. And he chose to marry me knowing that I work in the field I do, which involves working on weekends, and that was his choice too. It seems to me that I should not have to quit MY job just because he hates HIS.
I am hopeful that he'll find a different job soon. His work does not offer the option of part-time employment, as far as I know, and I just want him to be happy. Another solution I've considered is that we could try to be out of the house more at the same time, so that when we're home, that's at the same time too (instead of doing so much of the revolving door schedule where it's one of us or the other). Whenever I suggest getting a babysitter on the weekend now and then he gets mad and says that's not what he wants.
One thing I'm hoping you guys can offer me is perspective. Am I missing something? In these circumstances, is it selfish of me to want to keep working in the job I spent so much of my life working toward? And any ideas?? Oh yeah, and my husband refuses to go to therapy, saying he feels it doesn't work for him (not that he's ever given it a consistent try with a good therapist). he is very stubborn about this. I've mentioned it many times and he won't go.
Thank you if you've read this far! I am hoping you guys can give me some refreshing points of view!
tl;dr : my husband hates his job and when he's feeling extra stressed he wants me to work less, or even quit my job and be a SAHM.
Submitted November 17, 2018 at 09:12AM by showharp https://ift.tt/2Q5YrTh
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