We have been together for a year, and we often have trouble seeing eye to eye. We’re very different people who have to practice daily communication because we almost always have to work to understand where the other is coming from. This feels beneficial to me, as we always end up on the same team even if we ultimately disagree, and we both learn and grow a lot from it.
My mom and I are also very different people, but we do not communicate and thus nothing ever gets resolved, resentment has built over years of this, and it all came to head about a month ago. I left my mom’s to move in with gf, and mom threw a tantrum in which she essentially kicked me out of her life. I frequent the raisedbynarcissists sub long before this incident. Although I don’t peg her as a full blown personality type, it’s unsettling how much I can relate to the community, and general research for dealing with various types of “toxic” parents.
Gf has met my mom a few times and it’s gone well, they seem to like each other which I considered a good thing. And then this whole mess blew up which caused my mother and I to stop speaking for the past month.
The last thing I said to my mom after her screaming crying literal child tantrum was a wordy text about how I am sorry for hurting her so deeply, and if she ever wants to have a healthy open discussion where we both listen and try to understand each other without the dramatics, the guilt-tripping, the pity partying, the tears, etc. I will always be open to moving forward in a positive way and she knows how to reach me. I told her I love her and am grateful for her raising me to be an independent woman who finally feels capable to make decisions and take care of myself. I explicitly said I am not abandoning her just because it is time for me to move out, but I will be okay regardless of her presence in my life or not. I wished her luck and hoped she would be able to do the same.
To me, that is perfectly clearly leaving the door open for reconciliation on her terms.
Last night my gf and I were talking and she started asking questions like “so if you could tell your mom what you think needs to change what would it be?” and “what would you have done differently if you could’ve?” so naturally I asked if she was speaking to my mom behind my back.
She said that she had made plans to meet with my mom this weekend to talk. Everything about this rubs me the wrong way, and stressed that even though I understand her intentions are in the right place, I don’t feel comfortable with her meddling in my family business. She only knows the surface level of my mother, where I have lived with this woman my whole life. I know her dark side better than anybody should. Maybe my dad would be the strongest contender, but he has his own issues and none of us have seen him in years anyway, so that’s a moot point.
She says she just wants to help my mom understand that the ball is in her court, but I feel that I’ve already done that. My whole life I’ve left the ball in her court, and I’ve always been the one shooting hoops by myself. I have done the emotional labor in this relationship, I have worked to mend broken bonds, worked to stuff my feelings down and lock myself away so I can fit into the little box she’s constructed for me and our family, and now that I finally found my own voice and independence, it feels like my girlfriend is about to unravel all of it.
I have no hope left that this will solve anything. Her ultimate goal is to get us talking to each other again, but I see no good coming from another conversation where I’m blamed for everything that went wrong in our home and shamed to feel like shit about myself for simply trying to BE myself again. I feel that if a reconciliation is to happen, it needs to be because my mother has self-reflected to a point where she is willing to admit the part she has played in our damaging relationship, and I just don’t see that as a reality from someone who has never displayed any signs of genuine self reflection in a single month.
I can only see this getting worse and creating more drama that I had hoped the worst of was over with. My girlfriend sees me crying because losing family is hard despite if it’s for the best, and I just realize that in order to heal I need to work through my feelings in a healthy way. Something I am 100% willing to deal with in the privacy of our home because tough times are just a necessary part of life.
Is gf out of line here? I know she’s doing it because she cares but I cannot bear the thought of her falling prey to my mom’s act. I feel that gf doesn’t understand what’s really going on here, and no matter how I try to explain she still feels she’s helping by getting involved.
She agreed to back out of the meeting, but I also can’t find an excuse for that which doesn’t give my mom more fuel to paint me as a selfish hateful child who’s trying to break her heart and cause drama since that’s what I live for in her head. In actuality I want as little drama as possible, which is why I had to disconnect because that’s just not the reality of the home I was raised in.
tl;dr Mom and I aren’t speaking, so gf decided to butt in and try to fix that herself. I am upset and want her to back out of it, would prefer her to stay out of family fights altogether, don’t know how to respectfully stop this meeting between gf and mom. Advice needed.
Submitted November 17, 2018 at 05:23AM by MarsM00N https://ift.tt/2Bf8rBz
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