Throwaway post however if someone I know reads this it will be very obvious that this is me.
My husband of 1.5yrs, let's call him Jonathan, is Indian and I am SE Asian. We met at work, fell in love got married and I moved to the big city here in US to be with him, where he is based.
We are doing well financially as we both have good jobs in the city, we're DINKs, so we were able to buy a house in the suburbs 1 hr away from the city to which we commute everyday for work (I drive both of us to work as I'm the only one with driving experience).
I have made it clear to him from the very beginning that I hate living with other people (don't like having issues with roommates or extended family). For the first year of our marriage I stayed at home while he worked as I was waiting for my work permit and during this time I played 50s housewife and did everything for him (cleaning, laundry, cooking, other errands).
Now that we both have jobs and are more financially secure, he invites his mom and dad (both are Indian and in their 60s) from India and told me that they would like to visit for 6-9 months. I said that is insane, and I don't want to live with other people in my house for that long, not his parents or my parents no exceptions. I told him 3 weeks to 1 month is my maximum, and even then I foresaw some issues that might crop up.
He proceeds to "negotiate" with his mom, who then "agrees" that 3 months is fine. Again, this is not even close to fine for me and I let him know. But he guilt trips me into agreeing as he said his mom and dad are very old and this will probably be the last time they'll visit. He proceeds to buy the ticket, even when I voiced out how this is not going to end well. He thinks I actually agreed to this. Reddit, I don't ever remember being ok with this and if I have somehow made it seem that I agreed, I really regret being guilt tripped into that decision and I wish now that I had more spine.
After buying the tickets, we bicker a lot about the decision and one time he expressed that it was his duty as his son to at least give this as a gift for his parents (them visiting the US, this will be the 2nd time, 1st time they stayed for 1 month when I have not moved in with him yet). I told him that since he is married, his primary duty is with me as a husband, and that everyone else should not be his top priority.
I get that maybe this is a cultural thing, so I reminded him that I have made it clear in the past that I do not want to live with other people for extended periods of time. He denies that I made that clear before, and says that he would like to do this for his parents. During this conversation I of course kind of threw a fit and said he didn't care about my feelings, and he responded that I was a cold-hearted person for not agreeing to let his parents live with us and how his parents will die soon and again how this might be the last visit. I told him well next year they will probably be again and you'll say the same thing, and what you'll let them stay for longer because they will be older and have more chances of dying?
He says he can't guarantee their death, and again that I was a bad person for not feeling sorry for them. Reddit, of course I don't feel bad, I haven't even met them. So I apologized and said ok maybe I am out of line and we will see. Maybe I will like them. He says I needed to compromise and that I wasn't compromising at all. I told him wow 3 months is a huge compromise! He has also mentioned how his mom is narcissistic and has cut out almost everyone in her life and doesn't have any good relationships with anyone (including him). So I was of course thinking she will also be doing some circus while she's here.
Well Reddit, the day finally came and they arrived. Since I am the only one licensed to drive, I took a day off from work (even though I get paid by the day) and we both picked up his parents from the airport. All is fine and dandy, they seem like nice people (although a little bit traditional). His dad never says much and just wants to watch tv in the living room, his mom spends time with his dad. This is all that they do everyday all day. His mom caters to the dad as he is not very mobile (arthritis issues), and we make sure that they have everything they need in the guest room (which is in the 2nd floor).
MONTH 1: They like to spend all the time in the living room, even when we bought them their own tv. My resentment is growing as I would like to spend some time in the shared areas as well, but they are always hogging it. They are always in the living room, in the dining room, in the kitchen.
We take them to the parks often, of course I am always the driver. I feel like I am doing a lot for these people. But it is not enough. I learn from my husband that sometimes MIL criticizes me, she'll find something to say. She also always speaks in Hindi even though she knows how to speak in English, and sometimes refuses to talk to me but will talk about me even when I'm in the same room.
Since we are in the same house, she often hears me and my husband bicker (about stupid things) and would later comment how I don't compromise and that we fight too much and couples shouldn't fight (really!?). My husband told her that isn't the case and that we are fine.
MONTH 2: My husband and I took a 4 day trip to the neighboring country to have a very minor medical procedure (it's cheaper there) and to have a mini vacation. Husband proceeds to be on video chat with his mom every 5 minutes or so. I voiced out that this is getting annoying, as I feel like I'm having a vacation with his mom and not him! He tones it down. During the procedure, the mom kept asking me for updates (every 30 secs I'm not exaggerating) and I told her to chill as this is a routine procedure. We finally get back home and learn from our friend who we asked to stay with the parents and home sit while we were gone, that the mom had shit-talked about us. Mainly how my husband is frustrated with her or how "I'm overpowering and domineering" probably because I'm not a submissive Indian wife. And how she was not consulted when we bought our house (I don't get this). Every other day my husband blames his mom for being crazy, and then the next day he'll blame me for not being compromising and he tells me to just suck it up because "she's like that, we can't change her"
Some days she will criticize me to my husband every moment she gets, and just generally paint a bad picture of me to him.
MONTH 3: There are other little things that I complain to my husband about, such as how MIL is hovering in the kitchen whenever I cook (asking me to rewash vegetables) but she never washes dishes and utensils properly. It's driving me insane, I teach her how to use the dishwasher, she doesn't want to use it ever. She says she would like to sweep the floor (I give her the broom and vacuum), but she never does it, kitchen floor is always shitty. I end up having to clean all this until on the 3rd month I have given up cooking and cleaning. I am growing very resentful as we are paying for everything and she is not very old enough to not contribute to the household.
One day we took them for a long drive to see the fall foliage and she was shit-talking in the car about me and my husband in Hindi. I told her that she needs to speak English. She repeatedly said WHY? I told her because she's in my car and I'm talking to her. She was saying in Hindi how we have no shame and are being overly clever. Reddit, at this point i wanted to throw her out of my car. Since then I have not spoken to her. My husband also was very upset, but started talking to her again after a few days. My husband has tried to convince me to be nice to them as they are only here for a few more days. I refuse. He said that this will be the last time he will invite them because he does acknowledge that his mom is a handful.
Finally they are leaving next week, and I told my husband on the train today I would not be taking them to the airport. I refuse to put any effort and time and skip work just to drive these horrible people to the airport (will take 3 hours of my time). I told him to get an Uber as we can afford it. He became very upset with me and stormed off when we got off the train. I felt really bad that he got mad so I told my boss I will take the day off to drive the in-laws. I feel like I am being taken advantage off and my husband is not defending me.
Reddit, these people are in my house, and are disrespecting me and my marriage. My husband has no spine and does not want to draw the line. He wants me to be nice to his parents who are not even nice to me.
I have suggested couples counseling to him but he has often said that I'm the only one with an issue: he believes that since I agreed to having them for 3 months I should suck it up for the 3 months no matter what, and not complain.
Reddit am I really so wrong for not putting up with this?
tl;dr: My [30F] husband [35M] invites his parents [60s M/F] to visit us for 3 months (amid my protests). Things go south between me and MIL, husband seems to be taking her side and is now upset with me for no longer being nice to them.
Submitted October 26, 2018 at 12:41PM by justnoindianmil https://ift.tt/2PY67nn
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