My [25F] husband [45M] of 4 years died 2 months ago. I just discovered I'm pregnant with his child. I don't know what to do.

I know this is going to seem impossible to believe and I wish it was but I need help. I'll try and keep it short but I'm freaked out so sorry if I ramble.

My husband "Charles" and I were married for 4 amazing years. I loved him. He was my rock and my world. He was killed in a car crash driving home from a guy out of his mind on drugs about 2 months ago.

I've been trying to put my life back together ever since but now I've hit an even worse roadblock.

Charles and I were trying for a baby around the time he was killed. And yeah, as it says in the title, I found out two weeks ago I'm carrying his child.

It was a weird combo of emotions when I found out. Horror and revulsion and sorrow mixed with disbelief and joy. I'm now terrified out of my mind.

Yes I was trying for a baby with my husband but that's because I planned on us being parents together. Not all by myself. And now I'm stuck and torn on whether or not I want to keep the baby.

I can't ask my family because, god love em', they are religious and would disown me for having an abortion if I went that route and would not allow me to adopt out my child. I can't talk to my friends because they are all biased one way or the other and I'd receive a ton of judgement no matter what I did.

It's even more complicated because of my darling mother-in-law. She's not religious but Charles was her only child and she was really looking forward to being a grandmother. She wanted it so badly. The only person who has come close to me being as destroyed by Charles death has been his mom, because she lost her only child and now she will never be a grandmother. We've always been close but you can bet she'd never forgive me for aborting to adopting out her only son's child if I decide to do that.

I know I was trying for this baby. Believe me I'm consumed with guilt for even considering anything besides keeping it but the truth is ever since my husband died my world is upside down and everything I once desired has now shifted. I wanted a family. I never wanted to be a single widowed mother. I am not ready for this you guys. I just lost my husband.

This could go on and on so I wrote down in my journal the reasons why I want to keep the baby and reasons why I don't.

REASONS I WANT TO KEEP THE BABY:

1.) I do love this child already. I do. It's the last living remnant of Charles. He or she may look or act like him. It's literally the sentient embodiment of the love between my late husband and me. If Charles was alive there'd be no question I'd be ecstatic because before he died this baby was wanted. But Charles isn't alive anymore

2.) I adore my MIL. Truly. I love her more than my own mother tbh. She'd be an absolutely incredible grandmother and she wanted it so badly. This is her last chance to be a grandmother. If I don't keep the baby, she will never get that chance again.

3.) I know it sounds old fashioned but the thought of Charles "line" dying out breaks my heart. To know that that's the end of him forever with no one to carry on his name, genes, anything is soul crushing. By keeping the baby a little piece of Charles will live forever. I'd get to have him with me and he'd live on in a sense and not just be...gone

REASONS I DO NOT WANT THE BABY:

1.) Guys, point blank, I am not ready to be a single mom. I'm just not. The thought of having to arrange for day care, baby sitting, working all day and coming home to a screaming needy baby, then tantrum prone toddler, then emotionally need child with no rest or real help for the next couple of decades fills me with fear and anxiety. Yes my MIL could help some but she's very old (74) and not in the best of health. I suppose I could always move near my family but honestly I don't really like them and am not close with them. I'd also have to arrange a move, find another job, etc. it just sounds like a nightmare and headache I frankly don't want to deal with. I like my job and I love where I live and do not want to move.

2.) I know this is going to sound contradictory but the baby would remind me too much of Charles. I'm not sure I could not resent the baby or want it away from me because he or she would be a constant reminder of what I lost. I can't state enough how much I loved my husband and how much his death has killed me. Part of me just wants to move on and I won't ever be able to fully do that because his child will always be there as a reminder of what I lost.

3.) Please don't hate me for this but it needs to be said. I absolutely don't want to right now, but eventually with time I'm going to want to date again. I know I'm young and I'm not naive enough to think I'll grieve in sackcloth the rest of my life. Eventually I'll want to date and find love again. Dating is so much harder if you're a single mom with full custody. It's an instant deal breaker to so many men. Plus since I'll have full custody I just won't have time to date. And I don't want to right now but eventually in a few years I will. I want to be carefree and not have to worry about finding someone decent and willing to put up with my situation, arrange babysitting, taking it super duper slow, etc. And even now I just want to be alone to mourn and grieve and be independent and not answer to anyone. I won't be able to just be if that makes any sense and work through my grief. I'll have a pregnancy to deal with and then an infant. I won't have time to just be by myself and be alone without any pressures or demands on me.

So I guess that's it. Please don't be too harsh on me and I'm so sorry if I sound cold and clinical. I'm not an unfeeling cyborg I'm just very stressed and tired and sad and scared.

I guess I should also add that adoption isn't really something I want. I wouldn't want any of my family to adopt my baby because I know how I was raised and I really don't want my baby to go through that. I wasn't abused per se but it wasn't a good childhood. My MIL, god bless her she'd certainly want to, is just too old and sick to take the baby. And I'd feel so guilty being on the sidelines of me and Charles baby. If I had to adopt I'd want a closed adoption but a. I don't know how I would conceal my pregnancy for 7 months and b) The thought of handing me and Charles child over to (albeit a loving) strange family and never seeing them again is so horrible. I'm afraid I'd chicken out but then resent the baby or be a bad mom. So I really would rather just either keep the baby or have an abortion, adoption is really not something I want to do.

I don't have a lot of time to make this decision. I'm still within the legal time frame for getting an abortion but I won't be for long. I just need some perspective guys. Thanks.

TL;DR My husband died unexpectedly a couple months ago and I just found out I'm pregnant with his child. I don't know what to do. Please help me.

Submitted August 31, 2018 at 07:20PM by itshisandimscared https://ift.tt/2ovcH8x