I've been with my partner Tom for 10 years and we married at the end of May this year. When we booked the wedding in the summer of 2017 I was excited but a lot of changes happened between then and the wedding and I feel differently now.
Tom has always been emotionally distant. Numerous times throughout the relationship I have felt at the end of my rope in regards to his inability to show emotion, or even have a strong opinion on anything, and have even looked into moving out a few times over the years when I've been really desperate. I've always suspected that Tom has suffered with depression and for years I would encourage him, and sometimes beg him, to see someone about it because his quiet moods, distant behaviour and irritability would affect me significantly. Whenever I would address the issue he would never get help, but things would improve for a few days or weeks but always slipped back into how they were before. I think eventually I just tried to go with it because I loved him and, to be honest, I don't think I had enough self respect to actually leave. I have always suffered from anxiety, low self-esteem and depression and I am starting to think that this is why I have accepted my situation for so long.
Well at the beginning of last year I started to feel much better. I have been working on my treatment and recovery since I was in my mid-twenties (and encouraging Tom to join me with his, but to no avail) and for some reason this past year has been the biggest step I have ever taken. I am much more confident, I eat healthy and keep myself fit, I have recently started an amazing career and I could genuinely say I was no longer depressed and my other issues were under control. For the first time in my life I felt like I was enjoying life. All the little silly things I missed out on before suddenly became exciting and I finally felt so happy just to exist.
Unfortunately, all this change seemed to have the opposite effect on Tom. He became even more withdrawn and snappy than before. I would come home and he would barely talk to me and when he did, it was to complain about work (a major stressor in his life that he refuses to even attempt to fix) or talk about video games. I was spending most of my nights alone as he would sit on his PC instead and he would come to bed long after I had fallen asleep. Tom began to develop an issue with the fact that I was out of the house more due to my job and hobbies and, instead of communicating the issue, he would simply withdraw and insist that everything was fine. Car journeys were awful as I am a nervous passenger anyway, but he would lose his temper with other drivers so easily and I would feel on edge. When I was home with him, I dreaded him helping with housework as it would end up in him swearing and bashing about, everything was an effort. I still wanted us to spend time together, so I would suggest going to do things like popping to the pub for a drink or going on a nice walk (Tom will never suggest something first, it's a battle I've tried to fight and it's not worth it) and he would always agree but it was 50/50 whether he actually wanted to be there or not. If he did, outings were pretty fun, but if he didn't they would be ruined by his attitude - just complaining, sighing, acting distant and quiet. I would never have minded if he told me he didn't want to do something, I would do it alone, but he wouldn't be happy with that either. Over the years I learned that it was easier just to forgo these things altogether and I lost any semblance of a social life.
Now that I feel better in myself, I have found it easier to make new friends and I think this is part of how I have come to realise that Tom's attitude is not okay. I realised I needed more out of life and, after a particularly bad period of poor behaviour from Tom, I could feel myself becoming depressed again. In fact, Tom's behaviour had made me feel so bad that I went from feeling fine to fantasising about harming myself as an escape from the situation in a matter of a few weeks. Knowing it was so bad, I started seeing my therapist again and confronted Tom about all the issues again, this time emphasising that I was genuinely thinking of leaving as a result of the situation.
Well now he seems to have realised just how bad this is. But I'm worried it's for all the wrong reasons. I've addressed all these issues numerous times in the past and he was never motivated to do anything about it then. I'm worried that now it's only because I have the means and drive to finally leave that he's even contemplating making an effort. And the effort he is making isn't great. He came to one couple's counselling appointment where it was discovered that he more than likely is depressed and has been for a long time. After that he did see the doctor who prescribed him medication but after that he just did nothing. The doctor recommended he start exercising to help how he was feeling but that was a month ago and he hasn't made any effort to do anything about it. I've offered to help him with an exercise plan and for him to come to the gym with me and he's said he will, but it just hasn't happened. Everything that has been suggested to help him has just been left by the wayside and the things that he has done (like seeing the therapist again) came about because I had to nag him about it. I know he's depressed and I know it's hard to be motivated at all, but I just feel like I really need him to show me he is willing to make the effort himself to work towards fixing this. He is acting positive and has stopped with the distant behaviour for the most part, but I know it will take a long time to work through being able to express his emotions and I just don't know how much more I can deal with.
I just feel devastated. The situation at home became so bad for me that my therapist was extremely concerned and commented in my sessions that I looked physically unwell. It's come to the point where I will be moving out into my own place for a while (I have a place lined up) just to get some breathing space and decide what it is I want. Mostly, moving out is just to protect my mental health at this point. I'm torn now between making this move a clean break and starting again, being alone and working on myself, or continuing to work with Tom to try and save and improve what we have.
Ending the relationship scares me because I am worried I would be making a huge mistake. I love Tom and we make an amazing team. We are best friends and there are times when we have so much fun. He has been there for me in ways no one else has for the past 10 years and we have shared so much together. I feel genuinely heartbroken when I think about losing the future we were supposed to have together, but at the same time, if the next few years are anything like what it has been like recently, I know I couldn't deal with it. And yet, I still feel like maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe this is just how it is?
I am nervous but excited about having my own place for a while. I'm excited to not have to be on edge because I don't know what mood my partner is going to be in and to be able to do things on my own and enjoy them because I don't have someone else's dark cloud hanging over me. Also, despite how much I love Tom, I'm not sure I am attracted to him any more. The way he has been acting has made my attraction for him disappear and even before this we were more or less in a dead bedroom situation. For a while this didn't bother me too much because I had convinced myself it was normal and that companionship above all else was what was to be expected after such a long time together, but it worries me now. I live in hope that maybe I can find this attraction again but maybe I'm being naive?
I just want to figure out whether this is worth working for or whether a clean break would be best for us both. I keep thinking that after I move out I owe it to us to at least give therapy for a significant period of time a go to see what can be done, but I'm also scared that if I do I will get to the end of another year or 5 years and realise I've lost that time too. I already feel like I've tried to work on this for years by asking Tom to get help, and I feel slightly resentful that I'm suddenly expected to give it even more time because he has finally decided to make an effort. I'm not interested in having children so that aspect of my age isn't an issue for me, but I do want to be happy and at the moment I'm unsure whether even continuing therapy is going to make a difference.
I could just use some advice really. Should I continue to give therapy with Tom a chance and see how it goes? I know I am still undecided so I need to work through that in my own sessions which I fully intend to do, but how long should I give it to call it quits if there isn't a marked improvement? I don't even really know what I want from Tom any more. I just need an outside perspective. Thanks guys.
TL;DR I am moving out into my own place as a result of my husband's difficult behaviour. I'm unsure whether I should keep trying to work on the relationship or just focus on myself. I feel so lost.
Submitted August 30, 2018 at 07:52AM by lostconfused495 https://ift.tt/2op8tj4
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