TLDR: Wife went to New Orleans with male coworker, came back a new person. Did some suspicious things upon her return that could be interpreted as covering her tracks. I'm in agony over the admitted and perceived lies. We're trying to trust each other again, but could use some advice.
A few weeks ago, my wife went on a 4-5 day business trip (conference) to New Orleans. She went with a new employee, a married man (let's call him Mark), who reports to her. The conferences aren't unusual for her, though this was her first time in New Orleans, and first time on a trip with Mark. We didn't get a chance to speak much during her trip (again not unusual), but upon her return I was racked with Jealousy. I'll explain why shortly, but at this point, I've aired all my feelings with her and hope to find a way to rebuild trust. I suppose this post is to find some justification for my feelings, based on her actions, and hopefully receive some advice on ways to move forward in our relationship.
Upon her return, and after the kids were put to bed, she initiated sex in a manner that I can't recall in our 8 year marriage. It was very direct, and very needful. There was oral sex involved and positions involved we haven't explored ever (and shower sex, booyaa!!). Keep in mind that we don't have a totally dead beadroom, but I can probably count the number of times we have sex in any given year on one, maybe two hands. Never oral sex, never shower ("it's too hot"), never anything but missionary and to the point. That's a whole other topic, but know that it's not due to lack of initiating on my part. OK fine, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, let's roll with this and have some fun. We have sex a couple more times over the couple next days. I'm on cloud nine.
Over the coming days, she explains that she and Mark had a conversation about what they want to change about themselves to improve their respective lives. She discussed her weight with him, and is currently on a Keto diet with his help (he's pretty in shape due to his experience on the diet). We've discussed weight loss quite a bit, but we've never connected on the topic in such a way to give her the current passion she has for her new diet. I truly believe she will shed pounds with her current attitude and lifestyle changes, and am thrilled for her, as well as the benefits any lusting husband would enjoy. But as you've probably expected, this is where I start to feel some pangs of jealousy. I wish she and I could have had that connection. I've lost about 30% of my body weight over the past year or so, and tried many times to bring her into the journey to no avail. Anyway, she explains that the weight loss is directly linked to her self confidence, and that she thinks if she lost weight she would be more likely to want to participate in sexy time. She says this is the primary goal for her weight loss, but says she did not, nor would never say as much to her coworker. It was a "self-note" during their conversation, as it would be totally inappropriate for them to discuss such things (her words).
They only discussed diets, etc. Ok, that's cool with me, no biggie if you did discuss it (a little weird), but she says she didn't so OK.
Over these initial days, she regales me with tales of dinner out, drinking until wee hours of the morning, etc. This is always with Mark, and on one or two occasions, with other clients and vendors. I'm surprised she didn't network more, but that's a minor point. She constantly overstates the awkwardness of traveling with an opposite sex coworker, from things people would say while they're out on a perceived date, to having hotel rooms that are adjoining, on the same floor, etc. She insisted upon check in that they switch the hotel rooms so they were on different floors, but it feels like she's going out of her way to explain all this to me and ease concerns that I never expressed. More alarm bells, though small.
She explains how he's a southern gentleman, opening doors, ensuring her purse is carried on Bourbon street securely, etc. Really over the top, doting guy. She mentions how he smokes a vape pen, and upon me asking, she admits she hit his vape pen while out on the town. She'd never do such a thing with me, at least not in the past 10 years.
5 days or so later, I don't have my phone on me. Our daughter wanted to see something on the internet, can't recall what, so I reached for her phone. Lo and behold, she has changed her unlock code (we're always very open about our passwords). After asking why I need it, she tells me the new code, and is super awkward about it, hovering with serious intensity. She was reaching out with her hands while I was looking at her phone... I do whatever my daughter was needing, and that was that. Meanwhile my stomach is doing flips starting to connect potential dots.
Meanwhile, we've been discussing her newfound passion for diet, improving our sex life, and of course our marriage. It's a new leaf and all that. She reveals that she's been unhappy, and wants to make things better. Brings up that us kissing is going through the motions (I'm later wondering if she's had better recently), tells me there are numerous things I need to work on, as well as her, but generally "let's fix this" attitude. Great, I'm on board. However she's never voiced it with such conviction before. This trip really made an impression on her, I'm thinking.
All of the above, with other small tells (like sending me playfully sexy emoticon texts I didn't think she knew about) begins to really fuel my jealousy. Upon checking her phone, I see that she has completely deleted all text messages between herself and Mark during the trip. First message between them is the day she returned. Nothing incriminating in there, except the obvious lack of any correspondence during their trip. I ask about it the next day, not wanting to keep this inside anymore. She's understanding about me checking her phone, which is awesome. However, her explanation for the deleted texts doesn't make much sense. She says she was super hung over one morning, and was complaining about it to Mark via text, also asking him to bring gatorade, aspirin, etc. to her hotel room. She's embarrassed that he has this record of her over-doing it (which I get, given her position/reputation at work), but that on the plane she asked him to delete those messages. To help convince him, she offers to delete her text messages as well. Seems super flimsy to me, just can't buy it 100%, especially with everything else I'm sensing from her.
Over the coming days, it becomes clear to me that I just can't buy the story. We talk some more, she agrees to try to restore the messages after the kids go to bed. I take our son on a quick errand, come back, and put the kids to bed. We're using her phone to research how to restore the messages, and as I'm googling as much, find in her recent history (while I was out with my son), "How to permanently delete text messages from iPhone". Holy shit, my world is spinning, on fire, and just totally crashing down. This seems to be total proof at the time, and I can barely breathe. She states that she was trying to determine if she could restore the messages on her own (i.e. did I accidentally permanently delete messages if I want them back). We keep it together, remain civil, and proceed to explore the message retrieval. The message retrieval is unsuccessful, as it's been several weeks at this point, and she doesn't back up messages to iCloud.
While we're working on the message retrieval effort, we're talking about her trip. I begin pointing out inconsistencies in her narrative, and after pressing a bit, she admits that she did indeed discuss our sex life with Mark, and he shared details about his sex life with his wife. Neither were pleased with their sex lives, of course. This was over dinner, or between dinner and the bar, or just at the bar. That part seems to change with each iteration of the narrative. Doesn't really matter at this point. She apologizes for lying about disclosing our sex lives to her coworker, we talk through it, and close the night with a tentative ease to the situation.
Its been a couple days, but I can't shake the feeling that there is more to the story that she is hiding from me. Each discussion seems to yield more inconsistencies. The previous cover up, though not a big deal if simply disclosed at first blush (rather than actively covered up), is really hitting home. Those deleted text messages are the bane of my existence. It's the first thing I think of in the morning, and it keeps me up all hours of the night. The fact that she vehemently insisted she was being truthful, when she was in fact lying about the discussions she had with her coworker, fuels my lack of trust in her going forward. We discuss again this morning, nothing really new on the narrative of New Orleans, but I make it clear that I have a major trust issue at this point, and I don't want to live in this constant agony anymore.
Honestly, I sincerely doubt anything physical took place between her and her coworker. I do suspect that a "special" bond was struck between them on the trip, which makes me feel like I could be a better husband, among more jealous thoughts. But probably worst case, they talked about me via text and she wanted to prevent me from knowing as much. Best case, her story for deleting her texts is genuine, though utterly idiotic in my opinion (why delete your own text history if you're afraid of your coworker disclosing how hung over you were in New Orleans!). But there will never be proof one way or another. I can live with that, provided we can somehow reconnect and build our trust anew.
Are my insecurities creating something out of nothing?
How do you recommend we build back our trust? I know we're on a precipice of something great, a real opportunity to work on ourselves and things that we would have just let slide for years to come. Instead we can make this a turning point to a marriage (and sex life!) that we can really be proud of.
Thanks for reading. This community is wonderful.
Submitted August 31, 2018 at 08:55AM by RAthrowaway52 https://ift.tt/2PRETit
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