This is a really difficult post to write, but I'm at my wits end and I need advice. We have been together two years at this point, with the wedding planned for about 6 months from now. We were long distance for a while, and now have been living in the same city for a decent bit. I feel like ever since we've gotten engaged, she has changed. She used be kind, empathetic, supportive and seemed genuinely interested me; that has all faded. I'm SO conflicted - my family, who I trust more than anyone, HATE her - but from the outside looking in, she's "perfect" on paper.
1) She's very self-centered. When we talk, it's 95% us talking about her day. When I tell her about mine, it's a brick-wall - no engagement, response, folllow-up questions etc. She'll immediately launch back into her routine, complain about something or talk about even the most mundane aspects of her friends' lives instead. I'm very empathetic, listen actively, and offer to help her with her problems. Yet when I tell her a story, she'll either completely not respond and leave me hanging, literally zone out and look away, or even start talking OVER me in the middle of my sentence. She'll make food, but only for herself. She'll come over, and eat all my food that I prepped for the next few days for work. She'll complain (rather rudely) about mess around the house, but only if it's in her space, yet she'll trash my space. For example, we can only have sex on my side of the bed because she doesn't want hers sweaty or dirty, or she'll literally put my stuff on the floor if its in her way. She'll ask me to help her with 10-15 small tasks per day - what to text her friend, what to wear, how to compose an email etc.
2) She criticizes me constantly. At first it was calling me short, calling me chubby (I spend hours per week in the gym and am in great shape), asking that I wear lifts in photos. She even went as far as to call me terrible in a photo next to my (fatter, uglier) friends, and in the same breath talk about a "hot guy at work" not hitting on her after seeing her wedding ring. I had literally even sent her flowers that day "just because" - they were on her doorstep while she was shitting on me. She has since gravely apologized for the above, but it continues in a more insidious form. Criticizes where I stand, how long I spend in the bathroom, how I eat, EVERYTHING. When I call her out, she'll either say I'm too sensitive or apologize and say she didn't realize I was doing it. Her own family often complains about how mean and outright domineering she can be. My family have pointed out how often they see her criticize me.
3) She's outwardly mean. When things don't go her way, she buckles, instantly. If she's running late (and she's late to EVERYTHING) she'll begin to yell. I was once taking her to a Michelin star restaurant for our anniversary. She knew about the reso 2 months ahead of time. Yet, she held us up by 30+ minutes - she had NO prior obligations that day. She instead said it was MY fault for being late - because we were talking on the phone. She blew up at me, told me to "shut the hell up", insulted me, slammed my face when I held the door open for the uber, demeaned me in front of the uber driver and doorman. She has since again apologized profusely but that incident alone made me ditch her on the spot.
4) She's not very affectionate. She hardly compliments me - new suit, haircut, looks, physique, and doesn't enjoy frequent kissing or touching. Sex when things aren't PERFECT for her is off the table completely. She made us wait 4 months before ever having sex and even then it was scant - essentially skipping the honey moon phase entirely. She never does anything nice for me - no preparing food for me, surprising me, giving me gifts, helping me with tasks.
I think about our married life and I'm horrified. The thought of bringing children into the world with her, and combining finances with her terrifies me. She reminds of her narcissistic mother eerily. I've even confronted her about all of the above an her immediate reaction is defensive. I asked her to name one nice gesture she has made towards me in the last 3 months - she couldn't name one thing. She said that she helped "declutter my closet" - yet that was only to make room for her clothes, and even went as far as to call me ungrateful for doing so. Of course that day, she came in unannounced, threw a fit when I told her I needed to eat and I didn't plan on uprooting my entire closet, yet still went with it.
TLDR: Despite all that, I'm still hesitant. Hesitant that I wasted prime dating years on this, that I won't ever find anyone else. Hesitant about the public embarrassment of all my friends and family knowing this has ended. Being out thousands of dollars with the ring and wedding deposits. Has anyone been in a similar position? How should I approach this?
Submitted December 31, 2022 at 01:21PM by shatteredglass15 https://ift.tt/zS1cdLu
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