I feel exhausted and depressed after a recent traumatic event. I'm afraid it'll cost me my relationship.

I'm posting this on my main because I really just don't care anymore. Sorry it's long I know.

WARNING TRIGGER DEATH / ACCIDENT

So I'm Lisa 24F and I survived a horrible motorcycle accident 6 weeks ago in Austria. I'm Dutch btw. My boyfriend (who I shall not name) is 26M and a real sweet and nice guy. But he isn't so good at being there for me I notice.

I'm in therapy for the trauma and will receive EMDR soon but I'm afraid. Since the accident I don't trust myself anymore and my view on life. I feel heavy and exhausted pretending to be happy when I think about death a lot because I should've been dead.

About the accident itself:

I was in Austria alone for work and riding my motorbike (Bram5M) yes I named my motorbike. We were in a corner and suddenly my back tire slipped away completely in a split second. I fell down a mountain (30m) with 100 km/hour on my neck. Everything is on camera as I had a go pro. I broke my spine in a bad spot and my spleen was badly injured. I was found after 40 minutes of screaming for help. My bf came to me when he heard and was there all along. I can walk and don't have permanent damage but I've been in pain a lot and on a lot of medication.

Doctors told me I should've been death by the severity of the crash and my spleen would've raptured if I'd moved that would cause me to bleed to death.

We weren't official a couple but he asked me in hospital with flowers. I said yes but I knew that I wasn't going to be a fully good gf for a long time in my state.

Now that I'm healing physically, the mental problems begin to rise.

I'm struggling with being alone and I notice that I get angry at my bf when he knows I've been crying but doesn't ask more questions or calls for that matter. I'm feeling so alone and just sad about it all. I feel my relationship slipping away after he has cared for me for a month by moving in for me to wash me and cook for me..

I'm dealing with a lot starting again like school and work and I don't know how to handle my emotions.

When I was 11, my mom died in front of me of cancer. It was super traumatic and it took years and years of therapy to accept my life without her. With this accident I've prayed and talked to her when I laid there waiting for my death. I didn't want to die there but it felt right. I had been struggling for such a long time and this triggered old memories and past trauma again.

My bf can't really be there for me and is also having a problem on intimacy level with me so with everything going on I'm afraid I don't really trust him anymore. I feel sad and disappointed. He was there for me all along and now he's leaving me hanging. I'm just very worried. .

TL;DR Survived a motorcycle accident and dealing with depressive thoughts and suicidal ones from the past when my mom died. Bf isn't there for me and I'm resenting him/ignoring him because he can't be there for me. How to move on

Submitted September 03, 2021 at 02:33PM by gustwalker https://ift.tt/3jMlGQt