I just want to start off by saying that I love this man very much, and I am willing to work with him through anything. Also, I am not the type of woman to think porn is a bad thing. I think people need to jerk off as part of self care, honestly, and I am in no way jealous of this.
My boyfriend and I started our sexual relationship back in May, and since then I have noticed some patterns that made me take note.
For starters, in my past relationships, I have always been the one with a lower sex drive. Just to give some context, I don't have a low sex drive, but it's not ridiculously high either. However, as I get to explore more of my sexuality with this boyfriend, I noticed that he doesn't really want to initiate sex as much as I would like. 9 times out of 10, I'm the one to initiate, and get rejected regularly too. That's fine. Not everyone has the same drive. I try to be respectful and not pressure him, but by nature of always initiating, I feel like he has to force himself to do it sometimes. Not fun, but hey, benefit of the doubt. It doesn't take much to get him hard with me, he likes my butt a lot and just touching it will make him hard, and that's enough for him. He doesn't take the time to kiss my neck or my breasts, or anything really. As long as he's hard he's ready to go. I have talked to him about this, and he has gotten better, but he still isn't into it, I feel. It's kissing to penetration in .234356 seconds and sometimes it's uncomfortable for both of us because it's just not ready down there! He also doesn't want to give oral or receive it. He's just not into it. It's super important to me but he says it's just not appealing to him, but is willing to try.
Anyway, the thing is, in the entire time we have been having sex, about 4 months, he has cum a total of 3 times. Okay. First instinct, everyone is different, there's a million different factors. At first, I thought he was just nervous around me, but as we continued our relationship nothing changed. Worried that I was doing something wrong, or that we weren't doing the things he enjoyed I asked about it, and he replied that that is his normal. Alright. Everyone is different, right?
At this time, I noticed that he followed a lot of sexually explicit accounts of porn stars, and random girls on Instagram because they would pop up on his feed and he would quickly scroll past, and that he was kind of secretive about his phone around me in general (turning the screen away from me, and turning his back when checking it first thing in the morning to not see it, and alwaaaaays has it on him) I am completely open about my phone. He has my code, and he even reads my texts with my best friend as they come in and sometimes takes my phone to reply to her! I don't mind it, but it seems uneven.... so I asked him and then he mentioned that he doesn't like to check his reddit/tumblr/insta around me because it's all porn. okay! I totally get that, who wants to do that next to their girl that early on at just random moments of the day. Makes sense. Way to go. save those rare porn gifs you like! woo!
Something happened today that made me see things differently, however. We went out to a BBQ place last night, and maybe it was too greasy, he wakes up suddenly at 730 AM and goes to release the inner demons. Cool. He comes back and happens to open his phone, and there was a naked girl on there, he tried to play it off and switch apps really fast, but it was too late. I had seen he was looking at porn on the toilet! at 7:30 AM! While having diarrhea! I felt weird about it and asked him if he was really looking at that in there and yes! he is basically always looking at porn throughout the day.
His normal reddit stuff like memes and fun stuff and just a shit ton of porn. The same goes for tumblr and instagram, which he is constantly checking ! All of the sudden his other behaviors kind of clicked for me. I have even caught him looking at naked girls just in my living room as I passed by, but I didn't say anything out of shame of being thought of as nosy. Sometimes shit comes up right? But this is a pattern.
I think my boyfriend looks at too much porn always, and has become desensitized from it, which is why he is never able to cum during sex.
I had a mature conversation with him and I found out that he regularly jerks off, like every other day, but that it takes him forever, even when he's by himself. He just looks at a stream of adult content throughout the day, and it doesn't even get him hard anymore. He doesn't think the porn stars he follows on instagram have particularly explicit content. He thinks there isn't any problem with browsing that kind of stuff at the doctor's office for example.
Now, I suggested that he make a separate account for all of that, to separate porn from funny shit and the day to day, and he said that it would be a good idea.. I even wish he would share things that he's into so that we can do them! I just don't think it's normal to never cum from sex, even if we go for like 45 mins and it starts to hurt for me! I'm not a starfish in bed either! I like to try all kinds of things, and always ask what he wants. I also don't think that looking at porn should just be your default when you literally have diarrhea first thing in the morning, so much so that you are immune to it.
Should porn be just a tool you use to get off or is it okay to be constantly immersed in it? I can't help but feel that his habit is affecting our sex life. I feel like we have a really hard time connecting when we have sex and that it's always just mechanical fucking with not a lot of love. the good thing is that he hears me out, and that he is willing to make some changes. I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend, but I think asking him to separate the porn from his daily life is a reasonable thing to ask for.
Before me, he didn't have sex for over a year, and that can be rough. You get into a relationship with your hand. I had the same thing too, but now that he's here, I would 100% prefer to get off with him if given the choice. Me time is me time, and is important too, but I think he is having a hard time transitioning to being with a real girl. I think it's strange that he has to rely on porn to get any kind of release, and it breaks my heart that I can't get him to cum at all.
What do I do?
TL;DR I'm afraid my boyfriend casually looks at so much porn that it desensitizes him and it is affecting our sex life.
Submitted September 04, 2021 at 08:16PM by flaflaphla https://ift.tt/3thsCIa
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