Husband (37M) insists I (37F) must be having an inappropriate relationship for maintaining a platonic mentoring relationship with someone in my field (30sM)

There is some important background information that I think is relevant to the situation * Husband (37) and I (37) began dating in high school and have been married for 17 years * He has always been the jealous type and until recently I made the mistake of catering to it * He cheated with the same person 3 times in our relationship (once in high school, once when we were engaged, once 5 years ago) and we worked through it and the only time it ever comes up anymore is when he makes these accusations because it feels like projection to me

Long story short, I maintain a platonic relationship with someone I used to work with who mentored me when I first entered the niche field I work in. I’m in management in that field now 1000 miles away from where I used to live, and this person has written my recommendation letters and always offered sound professional advice. This being a niche field, the circles are small and it’s always good to have people in the field who understand the nuances and who can help give perspective on the unique problems that arise.

I speak to this person a couple of times a month, casually. About work, mutual acquaintances, the weather and very occasionally about our kids who share a disorder my child was recently diagnosed with. This relationship is completely platonic and neither of us have ever seen it as anything but that.

Recently my husband was looking through my phone and happened to see a message where we discussed a) the bizarre weather patterns we were seeing b) the status of a mutual friend impacted by said weather c) frustrations about complications in our field this time of year and d) I had shared a picture of flooding that breached our house in recent storms.

Mind you I also shared this picture with my entire team at work, a 70 year old male colleague, several other team members at other job sites, etc. This was in no way anything private or intimate.

Well my husband is convinced that I am having an inappropriate relationship and I cannot convince him otherwise. I have explained to him that that is not the nature of this nor has it ever been, but he will not hear it. He insists that I won’t admit to myself why I’ve kept this person in my life for so long. And if I would just admit to my infidelity like he did, we could move on. But…there’s nothing to admit???

The kicker is that my husband has always had platonic female friendships that I’ve never questioned or interfered with. He’s had the freedom to go out to happy hours with friends or colleagues without me being upset or tracking his location or making accusations. I’ll admit I don’t talk a lot about the people I currently work with, or mention names, because he instantly becomes suspicious. So there are some things about my current place of work I cannot share because he becomes irrationally upset at the mere thought of me possibly interacting with men (despite my field being male dominated). The other day when I mentioned my colleague’s house had been damaged by recent storms his only reaction was “I’ve never heard you mention [colleague’s name]”.

The more I write the more I’m realizing that this is just one big exercise in projection and I’ve allowed myself to be played. I feel like I’m constantly on trial for a crime I didn’t commit. Yesterday my teenage daughter noticed the tension and said “geez dad is mad at you again? He literally gets mad at you for everything, it’s like you can’t even live your life” and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

Regardless, I blocked my friend on all forms of contact to make my husband feel better, but I’m really kneecapping my own career growth in this niche field due to his own insecurities.

However, I came here for honest, unbiased perspectives. For people to look at the facts of the situation and tell me if maybe I am being inappropriate and maybe I should just respect the boundaries he has in place? How do I resolve this situation without admitting to something I haven’t done? How can we possibly move past this and establish a healthier relationship?

TLDR: Husband (37M) who previously cheated is insisting I (37F) am cheating when I am not and will not move on until I admit to something I haven’t done.

Submitted September 06, 2021 at 07:15AM by prof_contact_92746 https://ift.tt/3h5P7Lo