My (30f) boyfriend (34m) does things that I think are break-up worthy, but then days later will argue with me that I'm over-reacting and get me confused and say I am miserable for focusing on that and not enjoying life with him.

Why can I not see through this? Is this manipulation? This has happened over and over (we've been together 4 years).

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I admit that I get really upset with him at times. And I'll leave. But later he will apologize and just request that we "move past it". He's always accused me of holding onto anger like it's worth something. He says I punish him for mistakes so long that we both are not enjoying life because I act so miserable.

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I'll give you an example. He previously (2 years ago) had been shady by texting a co-worker a lot and lying about it. When I saw a text come through, it was obvious that they were more than just co-workers. We had a huge fight about that and basically broke up briefly. In the end, she let me read the texts and she confirmed that it wasn't physical (but it was not appropriate).

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We talked a lot and set boundaries. He's done nothing since then that I know of, but he still acts shady at times and that triggers me. Like he wouldn't get out of bed the other day, so I playfully took his phone and walked out of the room. I had zero intention of looking at it. He jumped out of bed so fast. I told him that makes him look shady. He said there's nothing on his phone and that he barely leaves the house (very true) but he just doesn't want me taking it. He says I "act crazy" about stupid things and he doesn't want me freaking out about these stupid things. He also insists he's doing nothing wrong and there's nothing there in the first place.

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That makes me feel weirded out. And last month we got into a fight and he was arguing with me that I was over-reacting. I got very mad and said I was leaving. He blocked the door so I attempted to push him to the side so he smacked me in the shoulder. Hard. I had a purple bruise.

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I did leave. And he did apologize. But he tells me that I'm no victim. That I instigate. That I know he has anger issues and I push his buttons until he does stuff like this. Then I cry like a victim when I'm the one who started it. (I did "push his buttons" by getting really mad over something he felt was me over-reacting, and telling him I was leaving...he hates that).

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But then as the days go on, he's texting me asking me to help him (he had minor surgery and needs some help). Or he's asking me to come over, as his best friend, and watch a movie with him because he's lonely. He asks me to come hang out and watch the deer (from his backyard). Stuff like that. And when I say no and remind him why he says I'm the most miserable person...that I enjoy being miserable. That I have wasted so much of our time together being mad at him. That I should stop being so angry all the time and try to enjoy life...have a laugh...come over for a BBQ.

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It all makes me feel like I AM being miserable and hanging onto petty anger. The bruise is gone. He has apologized. Often I forget what we were even fighting about to begin with.

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So then I go over...just to go for a walk. Or just to have some pizza and watch a movie. And suddenly we are back together as normal and I'm back over there every day. Until the next thing happens. Which he has me semi-convinced is my fault for over-reacting to minor things because I am "punishing him" for his emotional affair (well, he calls it getting too close to his work wife). He also tells me he never even kissed her or anything and I'm acting this way for years.

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How can I stop this madness? Am I causing it? Do we need therapy? It is too far gone? I need some tough love.

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tldr: I'm in a bad pattern with my boyfriend where we fight, he calls me crazy, days go by and he begs me to stop being miserable and come over and enjoy life.

Submitted May 25, 2021 at 02:31PM by ThrowRAPuzzled_7 https://ift.tt/34fTJIf