Together for 2 years. Please help because we have had the same argument maybe 10+ times now. It always follows the same pattern. I will provide a real, recent example to better explain it:
Step 1: My partner does or says something that hurts my feelings.
Example: Last night we were playing a videogame. I was the last teammate alive in a timed match, but could not get to the objective in time. We lost. My boyfriend says, obviously frustrated with me, "You NEVER leave yourself enough time."
Step 2: My feelings are hurt, and I approach my boyfriend and tell him so. Me telling my boyfriend he hurt my feelings is THE thing that triggers these arguments..
Example: I walk up to my boyfriend when the timing feels right (i.e, we're not hungry or cranky). I say, "Hey, that thing you said earlier really hurt my feelings..."
Step 3: My boyfriend apologizes with a "but" at the end that I feel invalidates his apology. The invalidation always takes the form of a suggestion on how I can change my behavior such that his words/actions would not hurt me so much.
Example: My boyfriend says, "I'm so sorry, I can totally see why that would hurt your feelings... But, to be honest, I don't think it was really that hurtful. It's not like I intended to hurt you. The fact that I didn't intend to hurt you should mean something. You should really work on taking constructive criticism better. All I was trying to say was that you didn't leave yourself enough time at the end of the match. Don't you want to get better at the game?"
Step 5: I spend the next 1-2 hours trying to justify why my feelings are hurt.
Example: I will respond, "I know that you didn't intend to hurt me. But that doesn't change the fact that my feelings are hurt. I really just wanted an apology and some comfort. Additionally, I want us to work on not getting so frustrated when we're gaming together. When you get frustrated with me like that, it makes me not want to play. Imagine if I said to you at the end of the match, "You can NEVER hit anything with your aim," because I was frustrated with you. Imagine if I said that to one of your friends, or if one of your friends said that to me. You wouldn't consider it hurtful?"
Step 6: My boyfriend gets frustrated that he is the only one who needs to change.
Example: He will say, "Why am I the only one who ever needs to change their behavior? You always approach these things as black and white. Life is gray. I am going to work on not getting frustrated when we play a game, but you need to work on taking criticism better. The blame isn't 100% on me. I already said sorry anyway. Isn't that what you wanted?"
Step 7: I explain that I will never reach a point where he can speak to me that way without it hurting my feelings.
Example: I say, "I don't think it's my responsibility to not get hurt. It is your responsibility to not say things that are hurtful. I will never not get hurt when you say or do a hurtful thing."
Step 8: We go around in circles for hours until I relent by saying that I will work on x if he works on y.
Example: I say "Okay, I understand. I will try to be less sensitive. But I need you to not lash out at me when you are frustrated."
It is obvious to me that he gets defensive and deflects. His insistence that I change my behavior feels very retaliatory. However, he simply doesn't see it that way.
My boyfriend understands that this pattern exists. We have talked about it many times. However, he has never budged from his core belief that "No argument is black and white." 99% of the time he hurts my feelings, he will not apologize without suggesting some way I could change my behavior to not be so hurt in the first place. All of his arguments thus far boil down to, "You need to be less sensitive."
I can only think of 1 time he apologized without asking me to change my behavior, and it was a particularly egregious offense on his part (he snapped at me and said some rude things, and I guess it was bad enough that he did not feel the need to ask me to correct my behavior in some way after the fact).
I know from previous relationships that defensiveness is very common. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is in a whole 'nother league... But, folks, he is very intelligent. He cares about me and I do believe we can make this work. I am trying to find the tools to explain to him why this is not okay. I am tired of coming up with endless analogies, trying to get him to understand. How can we break out of this pattern?
TL;DR: Whenever my boyfriend does something that hurts my feelings, he will not give an apology without asking me to change some aspect of my behavior. I am trying to find a way to break out of this pattern.
Submitted May 23, 2021 at 05:29PM by 123799throwmeaway https://ift.tt/3oW6nFT
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