I (41f) am very alone and I'm really scared that my loneliness and fear will weaken my resolve to stay away from him (40m)

We were together for 7 years. And it was really rocky. I totally realize that he has a lot of issues (and so do I...I'm quite co-dependent apparently). But his issues would have been relationship-ending for people with normal boundaries/self-worth (ex: emotional affair, strong hints of physical infidelity which he denied, lots of lies, some abuse).

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But no matter what, I was addicted to the highs and lows of our relationship. It was never boring. I even used to live with him, but got my own place ("temporarily" is what I told him) after an episode where I pushed his buttons too much and he smashed my laptop to smithereens. I said I need space and I need to clearly see that he gets his anger under control. That was 18 months ago. Obviously I haven't moved back because he still has lots of anger episodes. I also caught him messaging some girl late at night a year ago (I know he never met her...I know because of the pandemic...but still, it was more stupidity and it showed he never fully learned anything).

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I've never been strong enough to actually fully leave him. We fight and stay away from each other for days at a time but there's never been a day we haven't spoken. I'm fully integrated into his family and feel very close to his parents, his daughter and his cousins.

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He's warned me that he's running out of patience....he's not waiting forever for me to move back in. But he also hasn't gotten his anger fully under control (and he claims it's something "we" have to learn to handle). He also hasn't done much to make me feel secure. Still constantly on social media (which is where he found the woman he ended up sexting and having an emotional affair with).

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So after lots of fights, he just unceremoniously blocked me. Done. Never in 7 years has he blocked me. Never have we gone 2 weeks without speaking before. I feel a bit in shock. And at first I was okay with it (because I KNOW it's for the best).

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But now, after 2 weeks, I've gone into Zombie-Depression. I struggle to remember why I was so unhappy all the time. I keep remember our good times. I miss him beyond belief. But I'm also terrified. Completely alone.

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My only family is my parents....I go see them regularly to help (they both are disabled now). But that makes me feel even more alone (beginner stage of Alzheimer's and neither of them are who they used to be). I'm usually even more depressed after seeing them (on a good day).

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I lost my job last year and haven't been able to find a new one. I mean nothing. And believe me I try. All the gyms are closed so I can't even join one. I barely had any friends and this week one of my only friends (and none of them are overly close anyway) got mad at me over something trivial and blocked me. The other friends I have are virtual and don't even live near me.

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I just sit alone all day and I'm scared. I FORCE myself to go for walks, but trust me, that doesn't make me feel any better at all.

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I don't know what to do and I'm scared that I'll go back to him with my tail between my legs. Then he'll have even more power over me.

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I have no idea how to move forward. Any ideas are very much appreciated.

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tldr: my toxic partner blocked me 2 weeks ago, now one of my only friends blocked me this week, and I'm all alone and scared and afraid to go back to him.

Submitted May 05, 2021 at 06:20PM by Fluffy_Top367 https://ift.tt/3uBV6fy