I [18 F] temporarily ruined my mom's [36F] life by hating her and refusing to ever talk to her again when I was 12. I regret it but I'm scared she'll hate me if I get in touch.

When I was 11, I got really bad anxiety and I started to feel depressed. It seemed to me like my mom was the problem.

Here were my problems with her:

• I thought she was lazy because she was more tired than other people.

• I thought she was lazy because she didn't have much money, but my dad, who she'd divorced when I was little, had a lot more. I thought she was selfish for taking child support from him.

• I was also mad that I had anxiety because I knew my mom had it, and my dad didn't have it, so I felt like she "gave" it to me through her genes.

• She didn't tell my dad about the fact that she was seriously dating someone. I thought she was just a stupid liar. I liked her boyfriend a lot at first, but then I just saw him as someone who was enabling her bullshit.

• She didn't want to let me homeschool even though I was anxious. I had friends and wasn't bullied, but my anxiety was just so extreme and I didn't want to go to school. (...I also didn't want to do any treatments for anxiety. I just wanted everyone to do what I wanted.)

• She was kind of messy.

• I didn't think she understood me.

• I really just started hating everything about her. Looking back, she was sweet, but I was convinced it was fake. There's a whole long list of other things I hated. I even hated how she laughed.

So one day when I was 12 I went over to my dad's house and I just stayed. I told him she had a secret boyfriend and I said I thought she was neglecting me. That's really how I saw it since she was messy, tired, couldn't pay for all the things I wanted, and I thought it was neglect that she still wanted me to go to school despite my anxiety.

I insisted my dad should have full custody. He was always on my side and always let me do whatever so he went for it. There were about two years where they had court things, and I was at some point forced to do family therapy with her, but I just refused to talk. The courts took my opinion seriously. I had a therapist the whole time and she believed me completely about my mom being horrible, so she helped make a case that I shouldn't see my mom again. Finally, my mom accepted it and I haven't seen or talked to her since.

I was SUCH A MORON.

• A couple years later my dad started dating someone, and even though he's nice to ME, I overheard him yelling at her that she'd wish she hadn't been born if she ever dumped him and dated someone else. I also overheard him calling her a c*** for something stupid.

• He let me homeschool, but he just had me do online stuff like Khan Academy and he'd pay for any other lessons I wanted, but he hasn't helped me actually learn things. I'm pretty good at academics, so that's okay, but it doesn't seem like he wants to do any work. My mom always helped me with school stuff. And I'm lonely. It was like I was in the pandemic before the pandemic with how much I've been alone.

• I learned my dad gets a lot of money from his parents.

• I finally thought about the math of my parents' ages. She was 17 when she got pregnant with me and he was 37. It was legal in our state, but now that I'm 18 I'm horrified. She was a VICTIM.

Since he was 37 and she was 17, and since he said such shitty things to his girlfriend, I really think he victimized my mom and that the only reason she lied about her boyfriend years later was because she was scared of him.

It's obvious that it was really hard for my mom when I left. She sent me a text saying she loved me, but I thought she was trying to manipulate me so I blocked her. At family therapy I don't even remember exactly what she said since I was being quiet and trying to ignore her, but I remember she wanted to become better and wanted to know what I needed, but I wouldn't tell her since I hated her.

I know it was rough for my mom because now that I'm older I know she loved me. I also know it was rough because I remember my mom became had dropped probably 30 lbs by the time we were in family therapy, which is a lot on her frame, so she obviously wasn't eating.

Now that I'm older, I regret it so much. SO much. I really threw the baby out with the bath water when I stopped talking to her. I also stopped talking to her whole family. Since I regret it so much though, I contacted my aunt on my mom's side. I asked my aunt what my mom was like after I left, and the story was really sad. My mom was absolutely wrecked. She barely even talked for a year.

But she's apparently actually happy now. About a year and a half after I left, she married her boyfriend. She also got a real career that she likes... she'd only worked part time jobs before then. My aunt told me it was because my mom had wanted to have enough time to take care of me, which made me cry to learn.

I asked if my mom thinks about me much. My aunt says my mom confided that she thinks about me every day, but that my mom tries to think of other things since thinking about me hurts too much. She showed me a picture of my mom from a year ago, and my mom looks really healthy and good and happy in the picture.

My aunt is encouraging me to get in touch with my mom. She doesn't want to tell my mom about us talking because she's worried my mom will get her hopes up and then I'll never contact her.

I really do want to contact my mom. I miss her. I can see she was a good mom (she wasn't faking being sweet, and she wanted to do what was good for me even if I didn't like it at the time), but I'm scared. I'm scared she hates me now. I'm scared that I'll just hurt her by contacting her. She's happy now. She has a good career and a husband who loves her.

Oh, and her boyfriend-now-husband will fucking hate me! Even as a kid I could tell he adored her. How could he possibly be okay with me after what I did to her? I also feel guilty because he treated me like his own kid, but I just threw him away.

How do I get in touch? What do I say? Do you think she'll want to have me as a daughter again?

tl;dr:

When I was a kid I started to hate my mom, but in hindsight I see she was a good mom. But now she's happy without me, I think. I want to have a relationship with her again, but I'm scared. I don't know what to say or if I should get in touch at all.

Submitted May 07, 2021 at 04:14PM by MoltingLobster https://ift.tt/2QVGDNi