TL;DR My fiancé is Latino/White passing male and I am an Asian woman. I don't feel safe taking our dog out late at midnight for his last potty break of the day. He says I am being unreasonable and I feel like he doesn't understand me.
My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. I am Asian American, he is mixed race Latino/White but is very much white passing (this is relevant for the rest of the story).
Like all relationships, things haven't been perfect 100% of the time but for the past few years things have been great. We have our little arguments here and there, of course, but overall I can't complain. We got engaged in October and will be getting married in the summer.
We recently adopted a puppy together. We live in an urban area of a big city, right next to downtown, close to many homeless encampments, in a neighborhood which is safe during the day but not perfect at night.
During the day, my fiance works in his office (separate room) and I work in the living room, so I get to spend a lot of time with puppy. I also have a more flexible, low-stress work schedule, so I've been trying to take him out during the day and also have been taking him to puppy classes alone whenever I can. I feel like we split the dog duties pretty well.
Tonight, he was playing League of Legends with a friend (a game he promised to quit because he's addicted to it, but that's another story for another time). I asked him at around 11pm to please take the puppy out for a pee break because it was getting close to bedtime. He said he would, but then started another game without telling me. Needless to say, I was pretty annoyed at 11:50 when he told me he was in the middle of another game and hadn't taken the dog out.
Our puppy ended up peeing indoors which isn't a huge deal, but I was annoyed that he seemed to prioritize the games over my request and the dog's needs. When I relayed this to him, he told me I should have just taken the dog out myself. The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Me: "I've already told you I don't like taking the dog out myself as night because I don't feel safe as a woman, especially as an Asian woman in this climate"
Him: "Nothing is going to happen to you right outside our building"
Me: "You don't know that, and I'm sorry but as a White Man you won't ever be able to empathize with how I feel as an Asian American woman especially in light of all the violence that's happened recently. I don't feel safe outside, can you just respect that?"
Him: "I'm not White"
Me: "That is not the point of what I said at all"
Him: "I just think you could have taken him outside"
Me: "So... you don't think my fears are valid or worth respecting?"
Him: "I never said that"
And then he got upset and took the puppy outside without another word. It really hurt the way he kept insisting he understands my concerns about going outside, but would then say things that completely contradicted that and also used a tone that sounded like he just thought I was being crazy and naggy.
Am i just totally overreacting? How can I have him understand that I don't feel safe outside at 11pm/midnight when we live in such an urban area?
Submitted April 09, 2021 at 12:22AM by v3lvetteddy https://ift.tt/3fXGymi
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