Hello there,
We've been together for 15 years. We have two kids, 6 and 8. Absolutely love them both. Not married but we are (were?) engaged. I'm 35 and she's 34.
I gotta say I don't feel happy in this relationship and it's been like that for a while... Lack of intimacy, lack of mutual interests. I felt the spark was gone and that we were on autopilot. We rarely had fun. Always the same routine. No family portraits, no interest in my life, no pictures of me or our kids on her social networks. I don't feel like she's proud of her family. She doesn't ask question about my day. It's like she doesn't care. I ask about hers, but she never ask about me.
Chores are split up 50/50. I feel like I take care of the kids more than her. I drop them to school in the morning and get them in the afternoon. I help them with their homeworks, prepare their baths, play with them, talk with them. She buys their clothes, school supplies, go to medical appointments with them.
When she's at home, she often cooks and do the laundry. The rest of the time she spends it on her phone. The kids tell me it makes them sad because she never play with them. She's replicating her parents behavior because her parents rarely played with her when she was young. Her family rarely call her or invite her. She's jealous of her sister because her parents visit them all the time. I feel bad for her...
She is also constantly fighting with her job. I try to be supportive, told her that she might have depression but she denies it and tells me that everything is fine but she is just sick of her job. As of today, she's been on paid medical leave for a month now. She won't tell me exactly why, but she said her doctor signed her medical leave. Everything in her life is so complicated...
Home is a mess because she won't clean up her things. Been like that since the day we met. She wouldn't clean up and she would buy/keep too much stuff. We have 2 fridges in the kitchen, both of them are full of her food. The countertops are full of her stuff. Bags laying on the ground. Boxes of baby clothing, toys, you name it. She won't get rid of it. "I'll do it later". But later never comes. And she doesn't want me to get rid of anything. I told her I could give some clothing to charity, she doesn't want to, she wants to sell it.
So one day last summer she came back from getting groceries and told me she wanted to move out and get her own house to have some time for herself and get a break. At first she wanted us to stay together but live apart together but I said that I don't think this would work. We "agreed" on splitting. I was bummed and really sad, but I came to the realization that this maybe was what I wanted to but didn't have the balls to tell her. She said "You must hate me because I'm breaking the family!" I said no, no. We hugged, we cried, we talked like adults.
Weeks went by and we were both really cool with it. A nice, amicable split. 50/50 custody. Sounded like a plan!
She started visiting houses and finally made an offer to buy it. It was the only interesting house in the area she could afford. Unfortunately for her, it was sold to someone else.
She was really bummed and afterwards we had a big emotional talk. We agreed that we wanted to give us another try and things went really nice for a few weeks. Lots of sex, cuddling. She was in a good mood. I can tell she made efforts cleaning her things but it was minimal.
Then, a few months later, I started feeling like something was missing... again. Then started thinking about living on my own. Everything we had an argument, she told me "Get the hell outta here and get your own house"
I started really thinking about it. Made lists of pros and cons. Told her numerous times I feel burnt out, unhappy with our family life and sometimes I wish I could live on my own, in my own house, and have 50/50 joint custody. "Well, do it! Buy your own house!". I thought she wanted that. She told me I was depressed and that I should see a doctor. I'm not depressed! I know how I feel...
So, present day. I've been contemplating the idea of leaving her for a few months now. I still love her, but not like it was before. I was cold and distant to her for a few weeks now. She asked "do you love me?" many times a day. Couldn't tell her the truth.
A few days ago, after an argument (she was yelling at the kids again), I told her again I'm not 100% happy and I would like to have my own place. She said "well consided myself single as of now! If I don't come back and I sleep somewhere else, that will be your problem!" She hid her facebook relationship status and told me that she might install Tinder and get hookups. I said nothing.
Following day, after another argument, I told her I started looking at houses. She asked "are you serious? That's what you really want? You really want to leave?" I said "I don't know... maybe.... yes I do"
She broke down in tears, screamed at me, told me she believed things were getting better between us. "You told me you wanted to get married, that we would give ourselves a second chance. I believed you! It was all bullshit!" She cried, flipped the bird, told me she hates me to death and wished she never met me. She said you'll end up dying alone in your own house and you will never hear from me again. You will be so relieved to not have me around! That's what you want, you're breaking the family, you will be happy alone without me!"
She's been giving me the cold shoulder for days now. She doesn't eat at all. She doesn't even touch her phone. She doesn't want me anywhere near her. She doesn't talk to the kids except when she's screaming at them. She's not taking care of them at all. I gotta do everything on my own and she lays in the bed, crying and looking at me with disgust.
I feel like the worst person on earth right now. It makes me feel like I'm an egoistical man because I told her I was not happy anymore and that I wanted to live alone! I did not want hookups or to date, I just wanted to be alone! I just want to live in a clean house, without any clutter. I want to have a cleane house like everyone else. I want out. I don't want to hear negativity all the time. Does that make me an asshole? I didn't want war. Why is she acting that way?
Manipulation? Emotional blackmail? How should I act?
Thank you....
tlrd; told my fiancee I want to move out. she's not eating or talking, she hates me, how should I act? Am I selfish for wanting that?
Submitted April 03, 2021 at 03:27PM by pierekat https://ift.tt/3ukWOBH
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