Tl;dr My fiancée has been blatantly abusing me for two years and her gaslighting tactics have paralyzed me. I want to leave so bad and yet I fear the retribution she's already threatened before. What advice do you have for me to help me stay strong?
I know this is a long post so thank you to those who bear with me! Like the title says, I [31m] am struggling to finally admit that my fiancée [32f] has been abusing me for two years. On the one hand I do admit it, I mean I'm here now, but I'm really having a hard time staying strong. So, the backstory. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago and while I'm managing it very well, it does still rear its head from time to time. When that happens, I can be pretty self destructive and cold to people around me. Even outside of that, I'm fully aware of my imperfections and I've always strived to better myself and grow. My fiancée, on the other hand, constantly belittles me and I've recently truly realized the extent of the gaslighting and other abuse that's been going on.
In 2019, my fiancée and I went out with some friends and came home tired and a little tipsy. As we're going to bed, she demands that I take her dog out before bed. I asked her if she could do it that time because I was utterly exhausted after getting up super early and working all day and then going out all night. She got super pissed off and accused me of lying and breaking all my promises to her and that I've been treating her like shit for weeks (largely because she wanted to buy a house and I wasn't ready to). It turns into an argument and I tell her ya know what, I'm going to bed I'm sorry it's a pain but ultimately it's your dog and I really need you to handle it this time. So I do, I go to bed. After maybe 5 minutes tops, she bursts into the room, flips the light on, rips the blankets off, and demands that I apologize for being such an asshole and lying to her. I was pretty shocked and it pissed me off so I yelled at her to leave the me f*** alone and we can talk about it in the morning. She screams for a while and eventually leaves so I get up and close the door, put blankets back on, try to sleep. Not 5 more minutes, she bursts in again, rips off the blankets and starts all over. I told her that what she was doing was totally unacceptable and straight up abusive. She proceeds to throw a boot at my face, jump on me and punch me numerous times in the chest, all while screaming at me that "at least now you're right about me abusing you!" Long story short, I call the police, she gets arrested. A couple days later I start freaking out and thinking oh my god what have I done etc. and I end up maxing out my credit card to bail her out on the DV charge and a ton of traffic warrants I didn't know she even had. So, she immediately starts blaming me, saying that it never would have gotten to that point if I wasn't an asshole for weeks and I need to take responsibility for it. Fortunately, I never did accept guilt and later on her friend talked some sense into her and she agreed that she would go to therapy right away so that this would never happen again. Even longer story short, she goes to therapy for a bit, mildly accepts responsibility for attacking me, and then suddenly drops out of therapy claiming that her therapist said nothing is wrong with her and that I'm the one who needs to work. After all, I'm the one that's bipolar!
Now, this was all in the middle of a heinous custody battle with my ex over our daughter, a battle that traumatized me to this day. During all that and after she got out of jail, she constantly berated me for being a terrible father because I had expressed just wanting to give up the fight with my daughter's mom. That turned into ongoing heated arguments which she would then use to berate me during any future arguments, even totally unrelated ones. Basically, pointing out how terrible a person I am and I must be in the wrong. Emotional abuse belittling and humiliating me, and gaslighting continued on and on nearly every day and she has not once accepted accountability for anything, including the arrest. Most recently, after I implored her to resume therapy for the sake of our relationship, she refused and flat out said "I don't need to get better I'm already great, you're the one that needs help." Finally, that was it, final straw.
So, I've decided I'm ready to end this nightmare once and for all but her abusive tactics have worked so well that I'm terrified of retribution from her. Namely trying to interfere in my custody case, trying to ruin my reputation (which she's threatened before), or even breaking some of my most prized possessions. She's also intentionally isolated me from some of my strongest support systems and facing this alone is scary. I know without doubt that I'm the victim here and there's no hope, but the fear still grips me. I want to leave but I also don't want to have to deal with the inevitable disaster that will happen when I do. Kind people of Reddit, please help me stay strong. What advice do you have for someone like me? Thank you all <3
Submitted April 03, 2021 at 11:01AM by throwmeaway_jay https://ift.tt/2Pwm8WA
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