I (20F) love my boyfriend (20M) but often feel like we need to breakup. Why do I feel like this? What do I do?

(I recently post this same post on a different sub reddit but I need all the advice I can get so I apologize)

Please excuse my formatting, I'm really tired and emotional and don't care too much about formatting, I'm sorry.

I have been with my boyfriend since we were 17, and we are 20 now (together for 3 years). He's my first serious boyfriend, and I'm his first as well. I love and care for him a lot, he's my best friend. He's never hurt me, never done anything wrong. By the book, he's the perfect boyfriend.

We do have a couple flaws as like any other relationship, majority of them being because of me though. (I'm going to indulge in this because I feel like it might be important, sorry if this is TMI) One of them being very little intimacy. Cuddling and stuff like that is often and abundant, but anything sexual I don't take interest in. Whereas he does (and he misses it). I don't think I'm fully sexually attracted to him, but then again, I don't really know what it feels like to be completely sexually attracted to someone (and to want sex)

In June, I broke up with him because of the feelings I will explain below, but we got back together a couple days after because I felt like I should give things another try. After we had gotten back together, things were really looking up for us. I felt happy and optimistic about our future. During this time it was also mid-pandemic freak-out, so we only had each other to talk to and hang out with.

Turn time back to more recent; I started college in September in a city 2 hours away from our hometown, so we are pretty much long distance now. I only get to see him on the weekends if he's not working.

Here's my problem:

Whenever I'm at college, I feel like a completely different person. I feel new and improved almost. I'm happy and independent and things are great. I feel happier than at home. But the feelings I have for my boyfriend also change. I get this gut feeling when I'm away from him that out relationship just isn't "right". It almost feels like a childhood toy that you just stop playing with because you've grown out of it or like a piece of a puzzle that just doesn't fit. It feels so irritating and so overwhelming at the same time. And this feeling is so strong, almost nauseating. I feel like I want to end the relationship. I have cried many nights in my apartment because I feel the need to end things, but for no reason at all. We haven't had any fights, he often texts me to check in with me, he cares for me, it's nothing that he has done, etc. There is no reason for me to be feeling this way, and it almost makes me feel evil. Sometimes I even catch myself "feeling butterflies" for other people and I... like it. Shit, it makes me feel absolutely terrible and sinful admitting that and typing it out.

Now, when I come back to my hometown and talk to him, the feelings subside. Not completely, but a bit, and it leaves me feeling incredibly confused and distraught. I dip my toes into the water of loving him again and it's comforting. Although I can still sense that feeling of wanting to leave at the very back of my head and it looms over me like a dark cloud and it doesn't leave. I've felt this for over a month now. It's extremely infuriating.

And so I feel confused. I love him a lot, and care for him. He's my best friend. So why do I still feel this way?

But then I think about the good times we've had, and the good times we could have, and it just confuses me even more. I want to leave him , but at the same time I don't. I'm happy but also not. It makes absolutely no sense to me and I don't know what to do. This is the same feeling that I experienced when I broke things apart in June, so the fact that it is reoccurring is very maddening.

I know it's very unrealistic for an internet stranger to be able to tell me exactly what I'm feeling and what I should do about it, but at this point I'm exhausted and constantly upset, and this gloom I'm feeling is starting to effect my schooling and mental health. If what I'm feeling is gross and evil, please don't kill me in the comments, I can't control my feelings, and I've never been in another relationship before.

TLDR: When I'm away from my boyfriend, I feel an extreme nauseating need to breakup with my boyfriend without any reason, and it's killing me from the inside. I don't know why I feel this way, and I don't know what to do. I love him, but I wonder if we'd be better off without each other.

Submitted October 23, 2020 at 09:19PM by genuinelyconfused_ https://ift.tt/3mdINBy