I feel so alone. I didn’t expect marriage would be like this. When something bothers me, for instance the stresses of the pandemic, I cry to myself at night. When my pet died I cried alone. I don’t trust him to open up. I don’t feel safe. I don’t think he would be supportive or loving. In the past when he’s asked me how I’m feeling (I don’t think he really cares to know), if I say I have a headache or tired or whatever it is he’ll respond with “you complain a lot”. I become another burden for him. So I’ve learned to tell him I’m fine even when I’m not. I keep everything to myself. I thought marriage was supposed to be with someone you can tell anything to. Someone who loves you for all your faults.
He’s never physically affectionate. There’s no hand holding, hugs, or kisses. The only hugs I ever get are when he wants sex and he’ll grope me aggressively. When I tell him to stop or I don’t like it he’ll say “but I like it” and “I own you” (he thinks this since he paid off one of my student loans and he‘s the “Dom” in the relationship). Apparently what I like doesn’t matter. The same lines come up when I say I’m too tired for sex. He’ll tell me it’s my job to make him cum.
We have sex regularly. I don’t like it. I’d rather not do it, but in the past when I’ve said no he either gets very upset with me— slamming doors, ignoring me— or he persists until I give in. I let it happen to keep the harmony in the house. There’s almost never any foreplay except for me sucking his cock. If I don’t suck him, he’ll be inside me within 30 seconds of him first kissing me. It usually hurts until my body is able to catch up and lubricate. I never orgasm but that is nothing new.
On more than one occasion I’ve caught him fingering me and then fucking me while I was passed out from my sleeping pill. I woke up to him doing it but was so sleepy I couldn’t say or do much. I told him to stop and he told me to shhhh and I was dreaming. But I wasn’t. I don’t know how to confront him about this. I just feel so worn down and exhausted. I don’t feel safe being in bed with him when I take my sleeping pill.
I’m so upset with myself that I married a man who is so emotionally absent. I yearn for someone to hold me when I’m scared and hurt. I yearn for someone to love me for more than my body. And yet here I am. I don’t know what kind of advice I’m looking for. I can’t leave him. We have two young kids. I’m a stay at home mom.
Tl;dr: Husband feels entitled to sex but is never affectionate and loving to me.
Submitted September 02, 2020 at 05:14PM by Fire-Sun https://ift.tt/2QVowmF
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