Hello all,
I'm reaching out today because I am, or have already, fallen out of love with my partner of 2 years. I'll spare any details regarding my sexual orientation out of respect for those who may not agree or wish to read them.
If it helps to understand me, I am an INFP-T. Take it with a grain of salt of course, but it describes me in a nutshell. I work full time (was working 2 jobs full time for a spell) and am trying to pay off my Bachelor's degree. I am blessed to have a wonderful job and a heart full of ambition alongside a drive to improve and succeed.
The problem with my relationship is complex, but comes down to a few key points:
- He's unemployed, has never had a job, and has made it painstakingly clear to me (as of this week) that he will never pursue a job - unless it's at an amusement park, which I would have to work hard to get us near for a chance that he might get a job and stay employed.
- We have a largely asexual relationship as a result of his disinterest in physical intimacy of that level. To be clear, I want and need more. It's important to note the only income he's ever earned has been the product of being an online, male stripper — which I personally believe has damaged the way he sees things like physical touch, PDA, sex, and so on.
- I don't want to delve into politics here because I try to respect everyone and their opinion, but my partner and I are in completely different hemispheres when it comes to politics. He sees it as a bit of personal mission to "convert me" and isn't always respectful of my feelings when making comments. If it helps, I'm left-leaning and he's right-leaning.
Regarding Point 1:
- After two years of hoping my partner was going to grow up and get a job (without being rude or applying pressure), I've been told by him that asking him to get a job and contribute means asking him to change a fundamental part of who he is and that I accepted this about him early on in our relationship and am being unfair to bring it up in conversation now. He told me the reason for this is that he lives life to enjoy himself, and working means he has to forfeit some of the time he would be spending enjoying himself. He's not willing to make that "sacrifice" and is content with my providing for us both indefinitely. I am not okay with this.
I admit that I have fallen in line with the slew of people in his life that have enabled his behavior, but now I don't know how to get out. I do still care a great deal about him, enough so that I moved us down south from Ohio to Knoxville, TN with his brother (just signed a 1-year lease and honesty love it here). If I call things off, he loses me and a lot of the only things he's expressed as giving him purpose in life. With his struggle with depression (another thing we both share), I'm scared of what calling things off might do to him.
Regarding Point 2:
- The sex issue is a big problem. I'm interested and he's not. To me it's something vulnerable and beautiful shared between two consenting adults, but to him it's disgusting. We've never been able to go "all the way" and it's been a major stress point for me (disappointment) and for him (self shaming). I'll exclude additional details to keep this post somewhat PG.
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TL;DR: My relationship is just not working, but I'm also not the kind of guy who has what it takes to hurt someone else. I know it's best, and waiting to do it is worse for us both, but I can't turn off the part of me that cares and I'm mortified of what consequences might be waiting behind the curtain. This has been eating me alive for a year.
How do I do this? How do I keep from hurting him? What do I say to make him understand it's over without giving in and giving it another try (we've done this song and dance twice before)? I know that I want out, but my obligations as his provider makes this difficult to process or think reasonably.
Submitted September 02, 2020 at 02:40PM by Damn_It_Danny https://ift.tt/3lKwf5r
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