My (23F) mom (63F) is lonely and we haven't had a great relationship, but I still always feel guilty not sticking around as much. Advice on better communication/mending a relationship?

Hi, hope this is the right place to post this.

My mom's situation: While being an intelligent, generally friendly, and cautious person, my mom has a lot of negative self-talk and also doesn't work/get out much to meet people and friend support. My dad works a lot and lives in another state, they are still married, see each other maybe once a month (sometimes less), but... he's not good emotional support either. She is a low-level hoarder, enjoys sewing/collecting things/crafty things but usually watches a LOT of tv and has three kids but I'm the only kid in the state/30 minutes away.

My situation: My mom has the habit of taking their anger and stress out on others and I've grown up dealing with that and I know I have a deep set resentment that comes out when we disagree. This often makes me feel like an emotional and irrational teenager and lashing out-saying and doing things hurtful things. I've dealt with this in my adult years by limiting my visits and never staying at her house which stresses me out more because it's so messy and filled with things she collects from Goodwill.

Our situation: Our relationship is better than when I was in high school and I lived in her house - I think mostly because we have the separation of not living together. We see each other in person at least once every two weeks, usually once a week, where I usually do laundry, we go shopping, we make and eat dinner and then I leave. I feel bad because 1) it feels transactional to her because I do laundry/get free food but I do generally enjoy the visits and 2) I know it hurts her that I don't stay over (her often saying "would it kill you to just stay a night") and I feel guilty but I limit time cus I hate the fights we get into. I feel like the nastiest parts come out of me, I feel horribly guilty after, and we've only just started apologizing to each other after these fights this past year.

I would love input on:

• Dealing with my resentment and not flying off the handle at my mom (I already know I should go to therapy, but I would also like to know any particular techniques y'all have for dealing with anger would be appreciated)
• How to appreciate my mom more and make her feel appreciated
• Encouraging my mom to potentially seek therapy, ways to seek more social connections, and/or develop and accomplish goals (i.e. clean messy house)

TL;DR: I have resentment built up against my mom and though our relationship has gotten better since I moved out, I know she's lonely and often feels listless. I still visit her fairly often (at least once every 2 weeks) on short day trips. I want tips on letting go of my resentment which leads to awful fights and helping my mom feel better/more motivated.

Submitted April 03, 2020 at 12:10AM by helpneeded___ https://ift.tt/345uYNM