My (23F) boyfriend (26M) threatened to hit my best friend (24M) - unsure of how to navigate such a situation and would appreciate some honest input.

First off, I am so sorry if this is the wrong place to post this. I was directed to this sub by a good friend when I said I was struggling with working out what to do, but didn’t want to put her in the middle of it - if this needs moving I shall delete and repost as appropriate.

For background: My (23F) boyfriend, Ashley, (26M) of just over a year, has a lot of anger issues. There have been many instances across the time that we have been together where he has lost his temper and become extremely aggressive, and while I never previously feared that he would ever actually hurt me, he has certainly hurt himself during his outbursts. Often, he resorts to smacking his face and nose on a wall, or punching himself in the head several times, or hitting himself on the leg or hand. He also “punishes” himself by refusing to eat or drink or sleep for days when we fall out. Most of the time these are during arguments between him and I, and most of those arguments are over minor things (some of those things: I can’t pick him up when he’s ready, I’m not available to text because of my work, I’m not very hungry so don’t want to eat, me struggling with my anxiety and depression and being a little down, me not driving the usual road to his house because it was closed so I went a different way, just little things like that which more often than not, escalate into him screaming at me, usually in the street and in front of people).

We don’t live together, as I am still in college getting my degree, during which time I am staying with my parents while I finish studying and continue saving. He lives in a town nearby to my city, and whenever we go “out”, we tend to go to his town because it is quieter and less busy.

My friend (24M) in question, Riley, lives in a village that joins onto Ashley’s town, so a few times Riley will come and celebrate with us for drinks. Riley has been one of my best friends for almost six years, as we met just before we started college and have remained firm friends since. Ashley always gets upset at the idea of me spending time with other guys, even though I have just two close guy friends after Riley. With this, I made the point of introducing Riley and Ashley together very early on, because I wanted Ashley and Riley to get on. They got on incredibly well, and have been asking to arrange a meet-up several times since.

Two weekends ago, Ashley and his friends went out to celebrate for pre-Christmas drinks. Riley was also out with his friends and both invited me. I went to go see Riley first, and then Ashley once he got to town later. Riley stayed with his friends at first so it was just Ashley, me and his five friends for a few hours. Later that night, I learned that Ashley had been doing drugs, and he started accusing me of things that were untrue in front of his friends. Earlier that day was a memorial for a friend of mine who passed away from an overdose three years ago. I was naturally feeling upset and it caught me off guard when Ashley’s friends dropped that he had been doing drugs that day, as Ashley had always maintained through our relationship that he never would do any kind of drugs. Apparently this was not a rare occurrence - he has done and smoked drugs every day since we met.

It was nearing 4am at this point, and I felt myself having a panic attack so excused myself to the toilet. Riley rang me to ask if I was still out so he left his friends and came to the pub I was at. Apparently I was gone for 45 minutes in the loo - I told Ashley I would be a while and text him to say I was having a bit of a crisis - and so he knew where I was. Riley and Ashley were outside and not talking to each other when I emerged, and I told Ashley I needed to go because I was panicking and didn’t want to ruin his night. At this point, Riley didn’t know what happened, besides me saying I was having a bad time and needed to talk to him. Riley tried to say happy Christmas to Ashley before we left, to which Ashley told him to “fuck off”. He started accusing Riley and me of cheating which was completely untrue, and that we were only together right then because we are going home together (again, untrue).

Riley is ever the peace maker. So, when Riley began to walk away with me, Riley said “I don’t know what’s happened, Ash, but I’m sorry, can we have a Christmas hug?” Ashley’s response was for Riley to “fuck off, before I fucking smack you round the face. I’m going to hit you.” I grabbed Riley by the arm, and we walked away with Ashley screaming behind me that I’m leaving him for Riley.

I feel like I cannot look past him threatening to hit Riley. But I also don’t know if I am being unfair. His friends naturally have taken his side, but after explaining everything to Riley he’s just upset that he seems to have caused this, even though he hasn’t. I have tried to explain to Ashley several times since that night, that the drugs thing wasn’t necessarily my business. I said that the fact he has lied to me was what shocked me, and it was badly timed with the memorial of my friend earlier that day, however I feel like my struggle with substances because of what happened to my friend is my issue to navigate, and that is why I decided to leave so as to not ruin Ashley’s night with his friends. Ashley has tried to justify threatening to hit Riley with “he asked for it”. I’m unsure what to do now without losing either of them.

Anyway, I am sorry to rant. I don’t have many people to talk to, and I have been battling with the “what do I do without losing either of them?” thoughts. Ashley refuses to apologise so I am sitting as the middleman at the moment, and I am so torn because I feel like I’m in the wrong. I have apologised to both, even though Riley said I didn’t need to apologise to anyone. I feel like a fool and would love for anyone else’s input here, and on what I should maybe do going forward, as I am truly lost. Should I apologise again? Should I leave?

TL;DR: was a memorial for my friend who died from drugs three years ago, then my boyfriend admitted he’d been using drugs every day but lied to me about it after saying he never used them ever. I panicked on the spot, got upset, had a massive panic attack in the toilets of the club, decided to leave the club because I felt like an idiot. Best friend came to see me before I left the pub. Boyfriend thought we were cheating and refused to listen after I explained I was sad about the drugs thing and my passed friend and I felt like an idiot and that I was in the wrong for crying about it. Boyfriend then threatens to hit my best friend when my best friend tried to say happy Chrismtas to him. Now feel like it’s all my fault.

Submitted January 01, 2020 at 09:11AM by zzlatra https://ift.tt/2QcEvxf