I (F/34) can’t tell if my fiancé (M/35) is taking advantage of me or if he really just needs help or both. I don’t know what to do.

I apologize for the wall of text.

My fiancé and I have been together for 7 1/2 years, he proposed to me back in September actually. The last 7 1/2 years have been challenging for both of us. We both worked in low end sales jobs when we met and we moved in together after a year. I got pretty sick of the mundane sales job I had and decided to go back to school. My fiancé and I talked it over first obviously and he agreed to help me financially while I went to school full time for computer science. I also agreed to pick up a part time job to help with bills but overall we both knew my main focus would be to get my degree.

After my first summer semester of getting straight A’s, my fiancé got fired in September. It was because of something horrendously stupid. He was a team lead and when someone else got fired my fiancé went on the ex employee’s computer which was still unlocked for some reason and started sending messages to other coworkers as a joke. My fiancé then bragged about it to his boss and according to my fiancé they had a good laugh over it. When he got fired, his boss told him someone sent sexually explicit messages to someone from that computer while it was open. My fiancé to this day denies the sexual messages were from him and that other people were playing around on it. My fiancé tried explaining that to his boss and he was still let go.

When this happened, my fiancé was pretty depressed and he didn’t do anything for a while. He was able to collect unemployment so financially we were okay for a while. Luckily I had savings when I left my job and I was also able to start an internship. I suggested he go to school for something and get a degree. At first he thought it wasn’t for him, but then suddenly one day he decided to do it. So my fiancé enrolled and found a government program to help him out financially with it where he could stay on unemployment.

Another year of this went by where I worked and went to school and my fiancé just went to school. He ran completely out of money (his unemployment tapped out at a year and four months) and I had to fully support us for a while and cut down my classes at school so I could work more. When he told me he was out of money it was the week before Christmas after I had already bought him gifts and he had bought me gifts. I was in shock and blamed myself for not keeping better tabs with him on his finances. I told my fiancé I wish had known and we could have just gone without gifts. He claimed he was afraid to tell me and said he wanted to have a good Christmas. It was a nightmare honestly and I felt like it was my fault for always going over the top with gifts for us on Christmases before. So there was a lot of tension between us that Christmas.

After a severe blowout fight between us, I told my fiancé that if he didn’t get a job, I wanted him to leave. It just felt like he was taking advantage of me and it was stressing me out so badly with me also trying to finish my degree. I just felt like he wasn’t even trying anymore. My fiancé quickly found an internship after I gave my ultimatum. This internship later led him to work at his job now at the moment and we are now heading into a similar scenario.

My fiancé got suspended yesterday because he told his boss that he looked at some sensitive documents that were supposed to be set to private. He used the info he saw to demand a raise. Yes, I know, it’s ridiculous. So now I’m done with school, and I work in my field as a software engineer. I make enough money to support us easily. I told him last night that I thought his best course of action would be to resign. My fiancé has been fired I don’t know how many times in the past. However, in the field he is going to school for, he has not been fired yet which includes this job. I felt that it would be better for him on paper to just quit, find another part time job and finish his degree officially. He was so elated and happy I suggested it, like almost uncomfortably and weirdly happy. He has been having a lot of problems at his job for a while, and he told me he felt worthless and wanted to quit. Before I told him I wanted him to get another job first but then this suspension happened and so I figure he probably just feels relieved.

We talked more about what he was going to do the next day, like that he was going to write the resignation and go get his hair cut and his beard trimmed and then go drop the resignation off at his work. I felt pretty good about it as he seemed to have more clarity at that time and he seemed like he felt more in control. He stayed up and drank, and at first I kind of felt weird about it but I let it go because he had already had a hard day. Plus we discussed a plan and he seemed ready to move on it.

I woke up this morning to get ready for work and I stepped into the bedroom to say “hey I’m heading out” and he asked “why?” And I said “because I’m going to work?” Then he said “oh” and then I asked him, “what’s your plan today?” I wanted to get him amped for the day so he could have a strong start. Then he said “go to work?” And that’s when I started to feeling a sense of dread come over me. I said “no you don’t have work today, you got suspended.” Then he said “no I didn’t.” So I turned on the light and said “yes you did, you need to wake up and get yourself ready to put in your resignation.” He refused to believe me that he was suspended for the next 10 minutes. Then he said it was starting to come back to him and he started to get overwhelmed by everything again.

I decided to stay home from work and told my fiancé to go back to bed for a couple hours. I’m really at a loss of what to do here. I want to stay here and make sure he follows through on everything but I’m upset because he can’t seem to take charge of his life. My fiancé also has ADHD and has been on medication for it but it doesn’t seem to help. Because of it he forgets to do things and in general is kind of a slob. So unless I yell at him to clean and take care of things he won’t do it by himself. I know he was talked to at his work for focus issues.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I feel like a parent taking care of a child more than being in a relationship. I feel so guilty every time I think about ending it, like maybe I should give him more of a chance to figure things out? I don’t know if I am being too harsh and not being understanding enough. Should I help him more? Or is he taking advantage of me?

TLDR: My fiancé just got suspended from his job and in the past has been irresponsible with his work and finances. I don’t know if I should bail or help him because he has ADHD and we’ve been together for over 7 years. I know life isn’t full of roses all the time and people have low times but my fiancé can’t seem to get his shit together. Am I not being understanding enough or is he taking advantage of me?

Submitted January 23, 2020 at 06:20AM by throwaway20200123607 https://ift.tt/2Rn6aMy